The unforeseen future and the fears it brings..


Hi guys! 

I find myself on the thought train tonight. I was watching a movie and the character stated ” that’s not where I see myself in five years! “. And then it hit me. Where do I see myself?

I love being a mom.. 

But in five years will I still be here at home, with more babies? In five years, will I have started my career? Would I obtain my teaching license? Will I set out to accomplish every goal I have set for myself. 

I sit here and wonder if it’s bad if I choose to put myself first. If I choose to go to work- even if we are financially stable enough for me to stay home- am I being a bad mom? If I choose to accomplish my goals and put off more kids, am I being selfish? If I choose to have more kids and put them in child care to work, am I hurting their bond with me since I spent every moment with their older sibling?

In five years…will I have gone through the heartbreak of loosing another child? Will I be surprised with an “oopsies” baby? 

In five years… Where will we be living? What state would we be moving to next? Will we have bought a home? Will I have my masters?

We never know what the future holds. We don’t know what will happen, and we can’t stop it. As I sit here tonight with a beautiful 6 month old nursing away I am fearful of the next five years. Will the world have come to love more? Will the senseless violence have fade away?

I never noticed how fast time goes by until I became a mother. At the end of the day that’s who I am now, presently, and that’s all I need to worry about. Regardless of tomorrow and what it brings- I will wake up and go to bed a mother. Now time to turn off the brain and watch some television. 

Xoxox

Brianna

What to do..


Hi all!

Can you believe our little bug is 6 months on Tuesday? Wow. Feels like just yesterday I was begging to go in to labor. 

Since she is going to be 6 months, I decided to go onto the topic of her first birthday. As many of you know- we live in Alaska while both our families reside in New Jersey. A huge rush of sadness dropped over me. Her first birthday… Is going to be spent with just us. Is that a bad thing? No. I never imagined not having a huge party for our child(ren) when they turned one. I imagined the balloons, the smash cake, the first steps, the laughter, the opening of presents all with family surrounding her. But unfortunately it won’t be like that. 

I guess I knew deep down inside having children as a military family was going to be ~lonely~ but I never really thought too much in to it. My family has been my world since I was a little girl so I just assumed our daughter would be the same way, except she doesn’t have that chance. 

My husband and I talked and he doesn’t see it as a big deal. To him, we are all that matters (as in eachother). I guess in a way he is right. So I am finally coming to terms with it.

 Our daughters big day will be spent with lots of love from the two people who love her the most. We will do everything we would have done if our child was around family, and embrace every second of it. We are going to document the big day by a “smash cake photoshoot” and be thankful we are able to spend it all together as a family without a deployed daddy!

At the end of the day, family matters, but so does focusing on the happiness. I let it effect my mood too much today- ya know, the whole “we’re going to be far away from family forever” mood. But, at the end of the day I have my husband and my daughter and our amazing German shepherd. I need to teach myself to not dwell on that “I don’t have” or “we don’t have/can’t” and replace them with ” we can do” “we do have” because when negativity creeps it’s way into my head it is hard to abort. 

Life lesson today: focus on the things we have as our family of three. We don’t need to be by family to show them our love and make relationships with. We need to focus on highlighting the moments we have together and grow with that, instead. We may not have family around for our daughters first birthday, but we will have eachother and that right there is a blessing. 

Xoxo

Brianna 

How To Change Your Mindset, For Your Little Ones Sake. 


Hello curves, (and foggy mirror, my shower was running)

It’s nice to meet you- but not really. 

Gosh- my body is so different you guys. My thighs are thicker, my belly and hips are fuller, my collar bones are hidden and my breasts are huge. I don’t even recognize myself. People say all the time I wish I looked like you and I never even had a baby. That doesn’t help me. I have expectations, I see people on social media, I know what I want, more like NEED, to look like. 

I bought this bathing suit for one purpose: to take my daughter swimming for her 6 month “birthday celebration”. I tried it on and immediately pointed out every single flaw. I left my bathroom in tears and said I will NOT take her swimming if I look like this. Later that night after talking with a friend (you know who you are!) I realized my actions were not only embarrassing but selfish. 

The thought of allowing my daughter to miss out on something because I feel bad about not reaching the expectations I had for myself. 

So here I am trying to talk to myself, trying to reason with myself that for my daughters sake to PLEASE let my body image go. I need to try to focus on the better things. I need to try to see what could come out of swimming or other activities outside my comfort zone, for the sake of my child. 

Tomorrow is a new day. Tomorrow is the day that I (you’re welcome to join) look in the mirror in that bathing suit, outfit for the day, any time I pass a mirror and say every positive aspect that comes to mind. 

I am taking back my body image. 

Xoxox

Brianna

Houston, we have a tooth!


I was expecting teeth, I mean of course she is going to get teeth. All babies get teeth… But a tooth!!!!! Gosh, how??? How does the little baby I literally feel like just was born have a freaking tooth??

I was eating Greek yogurt so I decided to put a dab on her tongue. As I went to take my finger out something poked me and my heart stopped. A tooth. A sharp freaking tooth. A TOOTH. I am sorry for repeating, but I am still in shock. 

I never thought I would be this emotional over every aspect of Claire growing up.. But man. It is hard. Sitting back and watching her grow up is so hard. Every single day she becomes more independent. Every single day she is learning something new and it amazes me. It amazes me how much she loves, how unconditional she is, how pure she is, how she has become her “own” at such a young age. When you are without kids you don’t notice time changing, a few months go by and the only thing that changes are tan lines and the winter chub, but for babies… Everything is different. 

Being a mom is so much more than I had ever imagined. It has been the most natural and “easy” journey both my husband and I have adventured. I truly think that from the second we conceived Claire we decided to not plan for the future- I am talking immediate future. We both decided that every day will be planned by feelings and emotions, we just need to sit back for the ride. That being said, we aren’t the type of parents that NEED Claire to be asleep by 8:30, we don’t force anything – meals, naps, nothing. We go with the flow

And guess what? Our marriage has never been so blissful and fun. We laugh and love with so much less pressure and stress. We have a baby who runs our day but it makes her happy and a happy baby means happy life in our world. We co sleep, we nurse to sleep, we snuggle, we nap in our crib when Claire feels up to it, we found our groove as a family and it only took us five months. 😅

Well, this baby has a tooth, and this mommys heart hurts.

This family has nothing planned for the rest of the night expect lots of snuggles and whatever else is on Claires adgenda. 

Xoxox 

Brianna

My post partum body

How can I feel so negatively about my body? See those pictures? I use to have “collar bones” showing and toned legs — the sad thing is that is the only thing I noticed about this picture when I saw it. How sad is that? How sad is it that I focused immediately on a “flaw” I feel I have, rather than looking at the beautiful little baby girl on my lap. 

How do I get over the fact my body is different? I don’t have a hard belly anymore and it drives me crazy. My face and neck have a “permanent” chub thanks to breastfeeding and hormones and it makes me sick to look in the mirror. My jeans fit but only when standing- when I sit my soft belly crumbles in them. My legs are chubby and pale with cellulite and I can’t bare to wear shorts after seeing that picture.  

I try so hard to accept my body. I try so hard to tell myself I will be confident in myself soon. I try so hard to believe that I will find my “workout motivation” again…But I feel guilty when I put my baby girl down in her swing or walker for an hour while I workout. Or I bring her to the gym and lay her down on her mat while I workout. I feel guilty I am taking time away from her to focus on myself – I know that sounds ridiculous to some of you.  And then when my husband is home I want to suck up every second as a family because I miss him every second he’s away (thank you Coast Guard). Which makes going to the gym when he’s home so hard. I don’t like leaving him when he’s home- I feel guilty about that, too. 

I need to start taking *me time*. I need to stop feeling guilty if I put myself first for one part of the day. I know I need to embrace *me time* and run with it. But it is so much harder than it sounds. 

Putting yourself first as a mom is the hardest thing in the world, and that my friends is something I truly never expected from motherhood. 

Alaska


Yesterday was our first day as a family to the “real beach” out on Kodiak Island. It is called suffers beach because it is the only beach that has waves rather than tiny little bay waves. It was perfect. 

Do you ever sit back and look at your life and in that moment you feel bliss? Like what did I do so right to get this? That’s how yesterday on that beach felt. Everything felt like it was just the way it was meant to be. 

This life is definitely hard. Being a military wife. The unit we are at now allows my husband to come home every. single. night. However, we only have nine months left of that. We only have nine months left of being a “normal” family. Prior to being in Alaska we lived in Virginia. My husband was at a unit where he would be “deployed” for 8 weeks, and then be home for 8 weeks. It was rough. By the time I was use to him being away he would come home, and by the time I was use to him being home he’d go away again. I am so scared of that life again. I don’t want him to miss out on anything that has to do with our little girl. I don’t want to miss him again.

But yesterday was a day where I didn’t worry. I enjoyed, embraced, and loved. I guess we can’t control what the future has in store but we can control our outlook on it. 

So for all of you who are reading this- smile. Because everyday is special, even when it is not. We make memories everyday without knowing and we most importantly don’t know what is in store for us next. 

These next 9 months are going to be filled with love and hope that wherever we move to next, whatever job my husband is sent to, they will be everything they will supposed to be.. 

So here I go- sitting back and enjoying the ride. 

Rewind.


The older I get the more I wish I could rewind. Not to relive my memories, but to create them. 

My husband and I eloped at 18. I never had a romantic engagement. I never had my dream wedding. I had blue jeans and a tee standing in front of a judge on last minutes notice. I never got the father daughter dance, rather got tears and neglect from my dad when he found out we were married. I never got smiles and congratulations, I received snarl remarks and pity laughs. I never got assurance in my choice, I got told it was stupid and I would regret it. I never was taught to fight hard for marriage, but taught that “I am young enough to start over if it doesn’t work out.” We chose not to do all that because nobody believed we loved eachother like a married couple should. Nobody believed in us and so we chose to secretly marry. 

I wish for a second I could go back. Not because I don’t love my life. But because I don’t love the lack of memories my life includes. As I am getting older, more and more people that I know are getting their romantic engagements, and their dream weddings. Seeing my father ( I am a huge daddy’s girl ) smile and brag about close family friends’ kids’ wedding, I feel empty. I feel like I missed out on a huge aspect of my life. I missed out on the butterflies of staring at my wedding ring, and the excitement of finding a wedding dress. Married for five and a half years and never got to try on a wedding dress… I just want to be able to look back on our wedding night and say “wow” with love in my heart. But I will never get that experience. I will never get to cry reading vows to my husband, or giggle with my father/daughter dance.

I try so hard not to allow this to make me sad but some days are worse than others. Especially days where your own dad spends thousands of dollars to go to a wedding in Europe, sending you pictures, saying he cried watching the bride walk down to isle, and never ever ever getting asked if I will ever have a wedding. 

I will never tell our families it is because of them I missed out, even though it was. Even though I want to scream on the top of my lungs I missed out because you thought I was being dumb. I missed out because you didn’t agree with my choices. I missed out because i was scared and ashamed to get married young. 

Regardless here I am. Happily married to my best friend who annoys me to the core and drives me crazy but makes me smile and laugh like nobody else in the world can, who gave me the greatest gift of all time. Who gives me so much support and confidence that I can {achieve accomplish be do } everything in this role. Here I am with not only a cerfication in health care, but an associates degree in education and a bachelors degree in my dream field. I became who I always wanted to be, even without an engagement and wedding.
  But I will never stop wanting to rewind time. I will never stop wanting to make those memories..