So. Much. Worrying.

Getting pregnant was the only thing on my mind for over the past year. Never did I think about the next part of pregnancy, the whole carrying your baby part. Miscarriage is so taboo that many people don’t even think about it when they hear about their new bundle of joy. I have been 110% positive the entire 9 weeks of pregnancy so far. Never had a single doubt this was our rainbow baby. However, yesterday we did something I never thought I would get to do. We made our pregnancy announcement cards, printed them out, ordered envelopes and are getting them prepared to ship to family. We live in Alaska and our family is in New Jersey, so it takes about a week or so to arrive, so we are trying to get them out by late next week.  Everything became TO REAL. Ever since the thought of announcing came to my mind I’ve been having a mental breakdown.
My doctor is being actually horrible through everything. It took me over a year to conceive, with a miscarriage five months ago, and yet they still refuse to give me another ultrasound, or even a Doppler appointment to hear the heartbeat. I still haven’t heard my baby’s heartbeat. Next ultrasound is scheduled for September. SEPTEMBER. How am I supposed to relax? How do I walk around confident that everything is okay when I am 3x more likely to miscarry then a normal healthy woman? The last couple days have been so insanely stressful. Deep inside I believe my baby is fine, but just the fact this won’t leave my mind makes me stress.

I have zero cramping, zero spotting, still have semi sore breasts, but my nausea has eased up dramatically since Friday. I just can’t stop freaking myself out and I don’t know how to stop, until I see or hear my healthy baby.

I bought a Doppler to ease my nerves, it should be here on Tuesday. I am trying so hard to stop worrying and just try to reassure myself that Tuesday will be so beautiful. I wish early pregnancy was easier. The rate of miscarriage is terrifying, but it’s worth it, at least I hope that it is worth it come February.

Dear baby bean, hang in there bubba. Mommy and daddy can’t wait to share you to the world, take you to Disney, spoil you with love , and be the parents we’ve been yearning to be. We love you more then we ever thought possible. Stay healthy so we can snuggle in seven short months. We love you baby, see you soon.

-xoxoBrianna