A Life of Disordered Eating

“She has become morbidly obese, but she is young so it only takes a few diet changes…”, the words of my doctor at 11 years old. I remember I wouldn’t even get into my mothers car after this was spoken in the office room. I was horrified, embarrassed, ashamed. I sat in the trunk of my mothers Ford Explorer crying, hysterically, as I pinched together my fat rolls. That was the first day I hated myself. Up until that point I was only semi aware of the weight I was, the diet I ate, and how I was portrayed. Hearing the term “morbidly obese” during an age where boys where starting to like girls, knowing everyone who saw me saw my stomach rolls, ruined a part of me I am still trying to get back.

Three years later I surrounded myself with not so nice friends. They poked fun at my weight, they made it clear I was the “DUFF” or in other terms “designated ugly fat friend”. I felt it every second of my life. I never had a boy speak to me, let alone crush on me. I was alone because truthfully I hated myself more then anyone could ever hate me. That’s where it all began, the restricting, the lies on eating, the starving to the point of no more hunger. I never let it out. Rumors swirled that I wasn’t eating, I lost all the not so nice friends I thought I had. I was loosing weight but hating myself even more then before.

I still often think about those days in my life where I would watch the saddest movies so I had a reason to cry without being questioned. I reminisce on those times who have made me who I am. I’ve become so much more aware of negative self deprecating talks and the affects on the minds around me. I hated those years, I wish I could take them away but I can’t. That’s probably a good thing though because without them I would have never grown the way I have. They’ve taught me so much on how to help my daughter in the years to come, but at the time they almost made want to end my life.

It’s funny how life keeps moving forward, and only when the years pass you see things in a new light and appreciate both good and bad.

Xoxox

Brianna

When A Mom Needs to Workout

I had so many imaginations of being a mother. I would imagine dropping the kids at the daycare in the gym and getting my workout on. I imagined date nights away from kids with a trusted babysitter for a romantic time away. I imagined perfect sleeping babies who always behaved and went to bed without a peep. But the whole gym thing- that was going to happen.. news flash: it never did.

Here I am two beautiful babies, three and a half years later and I haven’t stepped foot inside a gym in nearly four years! It sounds pathetic but it’s true. With every intention, with every ounce of my body missing a good workout I was never able to get back into a gym setting with my husbands schedule. For almost a year it really hurt my mental health to a fault. I got depressed after my daughter was born, desperate for the moments of solitude and quietness of a gym with only my music playing in my ears. I missed the glimpse of my fit pre pregnancy body. I still do miss that atmosphere. However I’ve grown to see the bigger picture, it’s not about where you go to sweat it’s the fact that you do it.

Today, you can find me working out in my living room surrounded by toys and sometimes a crying child. I am determined to make lemonade from the lemons I’ve been given.

It’s had some advantages, too. My daughter acknowledges working out as something normal and understands it’s what I need to do. She attempts the moves with me and we bond over it. Growing up obese, yes “morbidly obese” actually..(that’s a story for another time), I am so grateful for my daughter to see being healthy as something normal, not a fad diet or a need to be thin; rather healthy.

Although I still dream of my lonely isolated workouts without drool and diaper changes while trying to stop toddlers from arguing over barbies, I am so thankful I’ve found such a peace of mind in working out and being healthy in the eyes of my children..One day I will be in the gym, and I will ache for the moments I have now.

Xoxox

Brianna

Life Lessons

Discussing Differences

As my daughter grows, not only do I have to buy new shoes but we need to expand our topics of discussion. In 2019 we as parents need to educate our new generation on three main levels: respect, understanding, and love.

After our (three) bedtime stories a few nights back C (my three year old) started to discuss her friends at school. For some reason she started to identify the difference in characteristics of some friends. We discussed the shoes a friend wore, we discussed a “boo boo” another had. Then finally she hit me with a question I never really prepared myself to answer… “Mommy Z has braids in her hair. Her hair is different. She always has cool clips. Why mom? Why is her skin brown mom? Can I have cool clips?”.

I know her questions were pure innocent but I was taken back by how observant a small brain could be. I spoke with her about differences of friends. We identified all the different things her and I have..blue eyes, brown eyes, long hair, short hair. We came to the conclusion that all friends, even family, are different. I educated her on how important it is to respect our friends for every difference they may have. As I did that I wondered about other children her age, asking or wondering this question and the response they were given.

I could only hope that the answers given about differences, wether it’s race or gender or even orientation, was spoken about with respect, understanding, and love. We have so much to worry about in our world and I do not believe we as parents can instill anymore hate into our world before more harm gets done.

This talk about differences gave me an insight into my future. When she asks about where babies come from, or what happens when she grows up, or even when her curiosity grows about sex. I just hope I can always provide her with respectful answers. I hope I can understand where she is coming from, and I hope I can teach her to approach all situations with confidence that she was given information to provide success.

As for my son? Well he’s still too young to even understand peek-a-boo, so I’ll keep you updated about his first curious question in a few years!

Xoxox

Brianna

What year is it again?

Lets rewind—

Hi to all who have ever read my posts. It has been nearly three years since my last chance to write and I have missed it everyday. So much has changed.. so so much. We welcomed our surprise but yet not so surprise baby boy back in September. Jack Francis! We moved from Alaska to New Jersey! My daughter started pre-k! I started work as an ESL Teaching in-line! Basically our lives haven’t stopped.

February 2017 we received our phone call for the military transfer telling us we were headed to Cape May, NJ. However, what I didn’t know back then was the life and schedule we would be living with. Now I am aware of how the military works, I am aware of the days away, but what I wasn’t aware of at the time was doing this life as a mom. My husband started work on a boat… a very sporadic boat. My last 2 years have been filled with a lot of “single mommy” days and nights. A lot of fights with my husband, and struggles with finding myself. But here I am still standing.

We decided to try for another baby while in New Jersey. We knew how hard and long getting pregnant with my daughter was so we assumed (LOL) that it would be the same way this time around. We dropped protection in October and by December we were pregnant. And I cried… and cried… and cried. I was terrified. Your first pregnancy is so much different than your second. By this time you know what’s ahead, you know how hard raising tiny humans are. I knew how hard my husband schedule was and how I’d be doing this alone. I wanted this baby but I was so deeply saddened. Was I taking away from my daughter? Would I face depression? Will I ever loose the baby weight? Can I do this? But here I am still standing.

My marriage has been hard. Marriage is hard. So Very Hard. We argue over little things, but we love hard, too. A lot of the arguing has to do with the loneliness I feel at times. It’s hard to make friends and feel apart of something as a military wife. It’s hard to find your person while balancing a home life and an at home job while your husbands gone for the week again. I feel so much anger at my husband somedays where he seems to have no desire to understand my life. He thinks my life is easy, I mean all I do is sit at home, right? But here I am still standing.

All in all, I am back to writing… venting… trying to find other moms/wives/people to share this journey with.

 

Xoxox

Brianna

So. Much. Worrying.

Getting pregnant was the only thing on my mind for over the past year. Never did I think about the next part of pregnancy, the whole carrying your baby part. Miscarriage is so taboo that many people don’t even think about it when they hear about their new bundle of joy. I have been 110% positive the entire 9 weeks of pregnancy so far. Never had a single doubt this was our rainbow baby. However, yesterday we did something I never thought I would get to do. We made our pregnancy announcement cards, printed them out, ordered envelopes and are getting them prepared to ship to family. We live in Alaska and our family is in New Jersey, so it takes about a week or so to arrive, so we are trying to get them out by late next week.  Everything became TO REAL. Ever since the thought of announcing came to my mind I’ve been having a mental breakdown.
My doctor is being actually horrible through everything. It took me over a year to conceive, with a miscarriage five months ago, and yet they still refuse to give me another ultrasound, or even a Doppler appointment to hear the heartbeat. I still haven’t heard my baby’s heartbeat. Next ultrasound is scheduled for September. SEPTEMBER. How am I supposed to relax? How do I walk around confident that everything is okay when I am 3x more likely to miscarry then a normal healthy woman? The last couple days have been so insanely stressful. Deep inside I believe my baby is fine, but just the fact this won’t leave my mind makes me stress.

I have zero cramping, zero spotting, still have semi sore breasts, but my nausea has eased up dramatically since Friday. I just can’t stop freaking myself out and I don’t know how to stop, until I see or hear my healthy baby.

I bought a Doppler to ease my nerves, it should be here on Tuesday. I am trying so hard to stop worrying and just try to reassure myself that Tuesday will be so beautiful. I wish early pregnancy was easier. The rate of miscarriage is terrifying, but it’s worth it, at least I hope that it is worth it come February.

Dear baby bean, hang in there bubba. Mommy and daddy can’t wait to share you to the world, take you to Disney, spoil you with love , and be the parents we’ve been yearning to be. We love you more then we ever thought possible. Stay healthy so we can snuggle in seven short months. We love you baby, see you soon.

-xoxoBrianna