A Life of Disordered Eating

“She has become morbidly obese, but she is young so it only takes a few diet changes…”, the words of my doctor at 11 years old. I remember I wouldn’t even get into my mothers car after this was spoken in the office room. I was horrified, embarrassed, ashamed. I sat in the trunk of my mothers Ford Explorer crying, hysterically, as I pinched together my fat rolls. That was the first day I hated myself. Up until that point I was only semi aware of the weight I was, the diet I ate, and how I was portrayed. Hearing the term “morbidly obese” during an age where boys where starting to like girls, knowing everyone who saw me saw my stomach rolls, ruined a part of me I am still trying to get back.

Three years later I surrounded myself with not so nice friends. They poked fun at my weight, they made it clear I was the “DUFF” or in other terms “designated ugly fat friend”. I felt it every second of my life. I never had a boy speak to me, let alone crush on me. I was alone because truthfully I hated myself more then anyone could ever hate me. That’s where it all began, the restricting, the lies on eating, the starving to the point of no more hunger. I never let it out. Rumors swirled that I wasn’t eating, I lost all the not so nice friends I thought I had. I was loosing weight but hating myself even more then before.

I still often think about those days in my life where I would watch the saddest movies so I had a reason to cry without being questioned. I reminisce on those times who have made me who I am. I’ve become so much more aware of negative self deprecating talks and the affects on the minds around me. I hated those years, I wish I could take them away but I can’t. That’s probably a good thing though because without them I would have never grown the way I have. They’ve taught me so much on how to help my daughter in the years to come, but at the time they almost made want to end my life.

It’s funny how life keeps moving forward, and only when the years pass you see things in a new light and appreciate both good and bad.

Xoxox

Brianna

When A Mom Needs to Workout

I had so many imaginations of being a mother. I would imagine dropping the kids at the daycare in the gym and getting my workout on. I imagined date nights away from kids with a trusted babysitter for a romantic time away. I imagined perfect sleeping babies who always behaved and went to bed without a peep. But the whole gym thing- that was going to happen.. news flash: it never did.

Here I am two beautiful babies, three and a half years later and I haven’t stepped foot inside a gym in nearly four years! It sounds pathetic but it’s true. With every intention, with every ounce of my body missing a good workout I was never able to get back into a gym setting with my husbands schedule. For almost a year it really hurt my mental health to a fault. I got depressed after my daughter was born, desperate for the moments of solitude and quietness of a gym with only my music playing in my ears. I missed the glimpse of my fit pre pregnancy body. I still do miss that atmosphere. However I’ve grown to see the bigger picture, it’s not about where you go to sweat it’s the fact that you do it.

Today, you can find me working out in my living room surrounded by toys and sometimes a crying child. I am determined to make lemonade from the lemons I’ve been given.

It’s had some advantages, too. My daughter acknowledges working out as something normal and understands it’s what I need to do. She attempts the moves with me and we bond over it. Growing up obese, yes “morbidly obese” actually..(that’s a story for another time), I am so grateful for my daughter to see being healthy as something normal, not a fad diet or a need to be thin; rather healthy.

Although I still dream of my lonely isolated workouts without drool and diaper changes while trying to stop toddlers from arguing over barbies, I am so thankful I’ve found such a peace of mind in working out and being healthy in the eyes of my children..One day I will be in the gym, and I will ache for the moments I have now.

Xoxox

Brianna

Work First, Family Second

Military living is just hard. Nearly eight years and I still struggle being second in the world of my husband. “The needs of the service” is a term my husband has been using since 2012. It describes where we will live, the job my husband does, and the amount of time away from our family. Whatever the service needs is what we have to do. Sure, we get benefits… housing, insurance, stability.. but we loose so much time together. We loose out on being a family more times than we are one. My children have grown to know daddy at work more than daddy home, and as a wife I am more familiar with being a single mom than a married one. Even when my husband is home I still lack the assistance, more so because I don’t seem to need it. I am so accustomed to cooking, bathing, playing, doing all without help that when my husband is home it is more of a struggle than anything else.

I think that’s an aspect of military life a lot of civilians don’t comprehend. They assume it’s hard when the active duty member is gone, but so easy when they return. I wish it were that easy. It’s hard always. It’s hard when they’re gone, but it’s just as hard when they’re home. It’s hard to balance leaving and coming, it’s hard explaining to a three year old her dad is only home for a few days. It’s hard maintaining a schedule when your home life is unbalanced.

I am so thankful for my husband, the way he provides, how hard he works and most importantly the sacrifices he has made to keep this life for his family. I am so thankful for the US Coast Guard for providing my husband a job and us with the benefits it does. But the sacrifices are sometimes painful.

Maybe one day we will learn to balance our worlds, maybe one day my husband will be home more than away. And maybe one day I will learn to accept the needs of the service and live life more freely.

Xoxox

Brianna

What year is it again?

Lets rewind—

Hi to all who have ever read my posts. It has been nearly three years since my last chance to write and I have missed it everyday. So much has changed.. so so much. We welcomed our surprise but yet not so surprise baby boy back in September. Jack Francis! We moved from Alaska to New Jersey! My daughter started pre-k! I started work as an ESL Teaching in-line! Basically our lives haven’t stopped.

February 2017 we received our phone call for the military transfer telling us we were headed to Cape May, NJ. However, what I didn’t know back then was the life and schedule we would be living with. Now I am aware of how the military works, I am aware of the days away, but what I wasn’t aware of at the time was doing this life as a mom. My husband started work on a boat… a very sporadic boat. My last 2 years have been filled with a lot of “single mommy” days and nights. A lot of fights with my husband, and struggles with finding myself. But here I am still standing.

We decided to try for another baby while in New Jersey. We knew how hard and long getting pregnant with my daughter was so we assumed (LOL) that it would be the same way this time around. We dropped protection in October and by December we were pregnant. And I cried… and cried… and cried. I was terrified. Your first pregnancy is so much different than your second. By this time you know what’s ahead, you know how hard raising tiny humans are. I knew how hard my husband schedule was and how I’d be doing this alone. I wanted this baby but I was so deeply saddened. Was I taking away from my daughter? Would I face depression? Will I ever loose the baby weight? Can I do this? But here I am still standing.

My marriage has been hard. Marriage is hard. So Very Hard. We argue over little things, but we love hard, too. A lot of the arguing has to do with the loneliness I feel at times. It’s hard to make friends and feel apart of something as a military wife. It’s hard to find your person while balancing a home life and an at home job while your husbands gone for the week again. I feel so much anger at my husband somedays where he seems to have no desire to understand my life. He thinks my life is easy, I mean all I do is sit at home, right? But here I am still standing.

All in all, I am back to writing… venting… trying to find other moms/wives/people to share this journey with.

 

Xoxox

Brianna

One and Only

We have made it 4.5 months…4.5 months of love, tears, laughter, and bliss. 

I am already getting questions on when her sibling is coming. Really? Maybe it’s because we are a young military family and us military wives get a bad rep of popping kids out, or maybe everybody assumes you need more than one kid. 

I love being a mom. I love every single thing about this life. 

That being said- I love spending my entire day with just my daughter. I can’t (atleast right now) imagine my life with another child. I look at our future and I only focus on giving my daughter the best life possible, and that may or may not include siblings. We are in no rush nor have any plans about expanding our family because what we have right now is so beyond perfect.

My point being is that when I explain this to people they immediately respond that our daughter will be spoiled, never learn how to share or be a team player, she’ll never know what it’s like to bond with a sibling, since we’re a military family she needs a friend, we’re going to regret not giving her a sibling close in age… So many opinions as to why our choice to not expand our family (yet if ever) is the wrong choice.. I don’t understand..

We have a 4.5 month old- I hope to come back to the baby topic after a few years. As of now I can’t wait to watch my little baby grow into a toddler and give her all the attention I can possibly offer and embrace all the steps along the way because who knows if we’ll choose to do this again. 

And just a little public service announcement: please don’t ask when we’re having another. 

Xoxo

Brianna

Holding you a little tighter.

  
I just came across an account in Instagram that really melted my heart. I love following fitness related and baby clothing accounts, both boost me up personally and in motherhood. But just now I came across a young woman who is known for her fitness inspiration. She lost her baby at three days old. Three. She had a mere 72 hours with her baby. How is that fair? How is it fair to grow a beautiful child for 37+ weeks and have to say goodbye?

After I finished reading a post she made regarding her child loss I looked up to the swing in my living room where my beautiful little girl was snoozing away. I went over and picked her up and just held her. I smelt her hair, squeezed her hand and tickled her face. It really is scary how quickly life can change. How you can go from cloud 9 to ground zero so fast? 

As sleep deprived as I may be, As bad as I miss being “skinny”, As much as I miss my husband and me time, As scary as motherhood is, I can’t imagine my life any other way. I don’t know how I smiled before being a mom. I don’t remember life a month ago, what did I do all day!? I don’t know what I would do without this little girl, without this little family we’ve created. 

So tonight I made myself a promise. I promise to hold you a little tighter Claire. I promise to love you as deep as the ocean and as big as the universe. I promise to be your biggest support and the strongest shoulder to cry on. I promise to do my best at being your mommy. 

You never know what tomorrow brings so tonight do me a favor and hold your loved ones a little tighter tonight. 

Xoxo

Brianna 

Three Weeks Down..

  

How has three weeks of my life gone by this quickly?

This post is just going to be about the highs and lows of our first three weeks and mommy daughter duo. 

Let’s start with everything positive that has happened. These past few weeks have made me grown in ways I thought would take months to grow. I feel like I have been a mother all my life, I feel so natural doing this job. Our breastfeeding journey has been overall wonderful! I was so nervous about breastfeeding and if Claire would latch right. Claire has been sleeping really wonderful through the night, and by through the night I mean waking every two hours to eat and get a new diaper but then snuggling right back to sleepy. My husband has become a wonderful father, he’s better then I’ve ever expected and it melts my heart. I have started a great morning routine already, yes routine! We eat around 6 and finish around 7/730 (sleepy slow eater!), then I clean do laundry and do my workout! This whole motherhood thing is not easy, but it sure is never dull- and I love it 🙂

And so we move on to our negatives that have come. As I said our breastfeeding journey has been wonderful; aside from my over production of milk. This leaves one fussy, gassy, and upset baby on my hands after every feeding. My milk is too much for her so all she does it gulp and gag.. Breaks. My. Heart. We have tried different feeding positions, pumping prior, and taking her away to let the forceful letdown ease up but somehow nothing seems to be soothing her. I have made my diet extremely bland: I try to avoid acidic foods, fried foods, and dairy to see if that makes a difference. We also do gas drops with a couple feedings throughout the day and night. But yes, we have a fussy little newborn. I like to call her “high demanding”, constant attention, feeding, and cuddling. But it could always be worse so I don’t mind it too much. 

Over all I would say our first three weeks together have been a wonderful time. We’ve learned so much about each other in such a short time. But I must admit I am scared. I am scared that since she is so fussy that she’s never going to smile, or be happy. I fear she’s always going to pout and moan and scream and cry. I know she isn’t but it’s hard to imagine a different Claire. The Claire I know loves to cry. She’s not colic-Y, she’s soothable. 

Cheers to the last three weeks, and cheers to those up coming and in the future. I am so excited to watch our little girl grow up!

Xoxo

Brianna

The Transition Period

  
For 23 years I have been known as Brianna. For 4 years I have been known as Evans wife. For 2 weeks I have been known as Claire’s mom. 

Being Brianna is easy, I worried about a husband, a dog, and myself.. Both of which were capable of taking care of themselves, my dog more so then my husband.. Haha 😉 However, now I am in a transition period. I am no longer just Brianna. I am now known as mom.

Identity crisis? Maybe. I look in the mirror and I see myself but it’s not totally me. I have baggy clothes on that are comfy, I have a soft belly and bags under my eyes. My breasts are huge and veiny and I always have a little leech feeding from them. I am not who I remember myself being. I guess this is part of the fourth trimester that nobody seems to talk about. I am no longer myself, I have changed without meaning to. I promised myself all through my pregnancy to not let myself go; do my hair and make up daily and for crying out loud put a pair of jeans on. But now that I am here, living in the fourth trimester it’s nearly impossible. Every minute I get to myself while baby girl sleeps is particularly planned out- morning nap means shower, mid morning nap means coffee and breakfast, early afternoon nap means I nap too, late afternoon nap means clean and meal prep- you get the idea. 

The old Brianna was active at the gym, she loved doing her hair and looking nice even on the gloomiest of days, she loved going to coffee shops to sit and do homework or read, she enjoyed sitting outside rain or shine without a worry. That Brianna vanished quicker than I ever expected. I haven’t done more than a small hike daily, my hair is always up and my makeup is already lost in my drawer, coffee shop dates are now done at the drive thru between feedings, and the time of sitting outside are replaced by napping. 

I know this moment in my life is not going to be forever. I know I will find myself again, but in the meantime I am in no rush. I am embracing my “mom do” hair and my baggy circle eyes because that shows my day revolves around something greater and more amazing than anything else that has come my way. I know this stage is so quick lived and I can’t miss a single second without regret. 

To my old self: nothing against you but I have found something so much greater to live for right now…but once my life settles I will be back for you and love you deeper then ever before for creating such a beautiful child of mine.

As for now, the “new” me is going to throw her hair up and feed her little bear to sleep, and try to catch a few ZZZ’s before its time to repeat another hectic day…. I love motherhood.

Xoxo

Brianna 

Baby wearing, co sleeping mama

  
((Check out my review of our sleep monitor in my pages!))

When I became pregnant I was dead set on NO CO SLEEPING. All I could think about was how dangerous it is, how scary it was to do, how the doctors advise strongly against it… Then I became a mother.

Co-sleeping is my best friend. Not only do I sleep MORE peacefully listening to her breaths, but I can sleep, period. We nurse til she’s sleepy then we rock and lay side by side. This little girl spent nine months only knowing me. She’s comforted by my heartbeat, my voice, and my smell. I think her entering this crazy world is stressful enough, and if her sleeping next to me can make that transition a little bit easier for her sake then so be it. Not to mention how easy breast feeding is co-sleeping! 

Are mothers going to judge me? Absolutely… My own mother made me feel horrible and ignorant for doing it..But guess what? I’m not the mother to their children, and I don’t sit back and critique their mother-skills, so how I mother my child affects other women in no way shape or form! People, especially experienced mothers, are going to judge you on your new parenting choices and there is nothing we can do but ignore, ignore, ignore!

If I sat here and let the opinions of others enter my mind then guess what I would be doing? I would be missing it on all the cute little things my baby girl is doing. I would get my head wrapped around the idea of being a perfect mother rather then listening to my own instincts and doing what I THINK is right. When you worry about things, like opinions that you can’t control you are setting yourself up for failure or disappointment! 

So to all my new mommys out there and my soon to be mommys on the infertility journey trying to get things right now or nine months from now, whatever YOU ARE DOING IS RIGHT! And keep on rocking what you got going on. Whatever works for you and your baby is what should be done. Never let the opinions, or remarks of others get in your head. 

You are awesome mommys, don’t stop!

And to all my TTC MOMMYS you got this, giving up accomplishes nothing! 

Xoxo

Brianna

Feeding The Queen

  
As of tomorrow I officially am a mother to a two week old! What a glorious two weeks it’s been, too. The days have been filled with so much love I can’t even explain… And so much breastfeeding. 

I’ve always wanted to breastfeed. How beautiful is it to watch your child eat in your arms- from your own body? Amazing. I’ve always been aware that breastfeeding was “hard”, by hard I mean never ending and (semi) painful. Breastfeeding isn’t AS painful as I anticipated; hope for the best but expect the worst, right? But breastfeeding is hard. 

Middle of the night feelings are the hardest. Knowing that this little gir relies on me and only me to meet her needs while my husband sleeps peacefully. My little girl falls in and out of conciousness which makes a normal half hour feeding an hour and a half ordeal. I wake up in the mornings by my alarm… My alarm being my baby girl moaning to eat, and I am EXHAUSTED. Then… I watch my husband wake up energized and ready to get the day going. So annoying. 

But then I stare into my precious two week olds eyes as she feeds and I feel like the luckiest momma in the world. I giggle because my husband may be getting the most sleep but he will NEVER experience this feeling between me and her. If it is between sleep or the quiet dark feeding a filled with so much unspoken love- screw sleep!! I will never sleep again for moments like those.

Like I’ve said a million times, you can see a situation and find 1000 negative things about it– but all it takes it finding that single happy reason.. It’ll change everything. 

Dear sleep, I miss you terribly but having you in my life is not worth missing the short time my little baby is going to be a little baby.

You’re gonna miss this

You’re gonna want this back

You’re gonna wish these days hadn’t gone by so fast

These Are Some Good Times

So take a good look around

You may not know it now 

But you’re gonna miss this