Baby wearing, co sleeping mama

  
((Check out my review of our sleep monitor in my pages!))

When I became pregnant I was dead set on NO CO SLEEPING. All I could think about was how dangerous it is, how scary it was to do, how the doctors advise strongly against it… Then I became a mother.

Co-sleeping is my best friend. Not only do I sleep MORE peacefully listening to her breaths, but I can sleep, period. We nurse til she’s sleepy then we rock and lay side by side. This little girl spent nine months only knowing me. She’s comforted by my heartbeat, my voice, and my smell. I think her entering this crazy world is stressful enough, and if her sleeping next to me can make that transition a little bit easier for her sake then so be it. Not to mention how easy breast feeding is co-sleeping! 

Are mothers going to judge me? Absolutely… My own mother made me feel horrible and ignorant for doing it..But guess what? I’m not the mother to their children, and I don’t sit back and critique their mother-skills, so how I mother my child affects other women in no way shape or form! People, especially experienced mothers, are going to judge you on your new parenting choices and there is nothing we can do but ignore, ignore, ignore!

If I sat here and let the opinions of others enter my mind then guess what I would be doing? I would be missing it on all the cute little things my baby girl is doing. I would get my head wrapped around the idea of being a perfect mother rather then listening to my own instincts and doing what I THINK is right. When you worry about things, like opinions that you can’t control you are setting yourself up for failure or disappointment! 

So to all my new mommys out there and my soon to be mommys on the infertility journey trying to get things right now or nine months from now, whatever YOU ARE DOING IS RIGHT! And keep on rocking what you got going on. Whatever works for you and your baby is what should be done. Never let the opinions, or remarks of others get in your head. 

You are awesome mommys, don’t stop!

And to all my TTC MOMMYS you got this, giving up accomplishes nothing! 

Xoxo

Brianna

Week One of Motherhood: Accomplished.

  
How does time go by so fast when you want it to go as slow as possible?

We only spent 13 hours total in the hospital before heading home with baby girl. I am so happy about our decision. By having her home from day one til now- we have already accustomed to our routine; at 8 days old!

Our first week contained a low of peepee on mommy, poopoo on daddy, cries and kisses… Lots and lots of kisses. She has been breastfeeding like a champ! On her 3 day old doctor visit we weighed in at 7.2 oz – she was 7.10 oz at birth. We had our lactation consultant come over Saturday and she weighed in at 7.6 oz! 4.5 ounces in a mere 2 days!!

She loves eating a kisses on her chubby cheeks. She loves naps and dreaming, and most of all daddy’s voice!

She hates being naked, diaper changes, and most of all- baths!! 

As for me I am down just about 25lb and I miss my belly more and more every second I go without it. I don’t know if it was from an easy delivery or what but I can’t wait to be pregnant again.. It’s just the heartbreak that comes with getting pregnant that will be holding me back.  Straight from delivery I wore the BellyBandit belly wrap. It’s not a binding wrap it is strictly meant for swelling and let me tell you- it felt AMAZING! It is a product I recommend. 

I will admit I cried on Monday. I cried like a little baby! How could my baby already be in my life for a week? How did I deliver her already? I feel like I just found out she was growing inside of me!

I am so excited for the rest of our lives together. I have never felt such a strong deep and true love in my life, between her and my husband. 

Life is so amazing, I love being on cloud9! 

Xoxo

Brianna

38 Weeks!

  (( don’t mind my messy couch- I had just had it steam cleaned ))

Thirty eight weeks! If you asked me 9 months ago where I saw myself I would not have said 40lb heavier, swollen, tired, and about to pop! But here I am!! I still wonder how we got so lucky to succeed on our conceiving journey in a little over 1.5 years… 

I am just now starting to feel “pregnant”. My pelvis feels like it’s ripping apart from baby girl dropping, my hands hurt to close, and my hips hurt to move but we made it. I can’t even complain for how I’m feeling because I’ve basically been able to do everything and anything I’ve wanted this pregnancy. Never once was bedridden with pain. Never had more then round ligament pain. I guess it’s about time little girl started showing me who is boss now, right?

Our focus is now strictly set on “operation: get this baby out!!!!” LOL. I have been walking 5+ miles a day, dr. Gave me the go ahead to nipple stimulate 2x a day in 20 min increments, and we’ve been at it like a bunch of newlyweds since our last apt. on Thursday. I am trying so hard not to put pressure on my body to get ready for labor but it’s so incredibly hard to not get your hopes up. When I heard my dr say that our little girl is clear to come when she’s ready all I think about is when that’ll be!!! 

My mom is flying up to Alaska on the 10th of Feb, so I guess the longer our little girl stays put the better. But I’ve been dying to meet her since May 23, 2015! How the heck are we supposed to not wish her out???

As far as symptoms go I’ve been having mild to moderate cramping once to twice a day. Braxton hicks pretty much all day every day. No loss of plug or water but I am hoping that changes within the next week or two!!

We go tomorrow for anesthesia consultation… I am great with pain but NO WAY can I handle natural childbirth if I have a choice in it lol I do wish I had it in me too… My mother did it for both my sister and I and she’s always been so proud of her ability to do so. I admire it but as badly as I wish I could I know myself to well and the regret I’ll have for passing up on the drugs will just create a stressful environment! Thursday is our next check up. They’ll check for dilation and might strip my membranes if I am dilating enough, if not then that’ll happen the following apt!

It’s becoming so real! I am so ready but I am so scared to let go of my normalcy for a new normalcy! I know it’ll be worth everything the second I lay my eyes on her……. I hope she makes an appearance soon !!!!!!!!

Xoxo

Brianna

The Topic Of Love

I was laying in bed next to my hubby the other night as he snored as loud as ever, facing my way… And I thought ” I love him more than anything “. Then I thought, “I really don’t think anybody can love their spouse the way I love him.”. I smiled after I thought that, how many women have said that? Then I looked at my dog and I thought “nobody loves their dog the way I love you.”. Love is a funny thing. It consumes my entire body when I see my husband and when I snuggle my dog. I really love love.

But what I have been told from a young age is that you don’t know what love is until you have a child. I look at my two loves right now and I can’t possibly imagine giving more love to another living being. Like I said, I love love. I am so excited to feel the love of a mother. I am so excited to love my husband not only for the man he is for me but for the daddy he aspires to become, and my dog for the nurture I hope she brings. 

So much is running through my head right now. How can I have enough love to spread? I am so nervous for the first weeks of adjusting, I don’t want my hubby or pup to feel left out of my love. I want to be able to spread my love around but I have a funny feeling that the second our little girl comes home I am going to be so overly consumed in her world. But isn’t that what life is about? Learning to balance and spread yourself equally thin amoungst those in your life? 

Here we are, 37 weeks along, anticipation is at an all time high. I can’t wait to blog about my transition from solely a wife into my life as a military spouse and mother. The good the bad and the ugly will be shared because too many times I’ve heard mothers say how lonely they are in their transition into mother hood. 

Here are some pictures of our little girls nursery. We only have another year and some months here so painting wasn’t gonna happen 🙂

 
   
Claire Rose, we can’t wait to meet you.

Xox

Brianna

Impatient.

  
 To our little girl,

I am so anxious to meet you. I have dreamt every single night since I could remember of the day I would get to become a mother. Every baby I have held, and fed, and changed, has only made me want to meet you more. Even before you were a thought in our brains I couldn’t wait to see your smile. All I have ever wanted was a little girl who I can share the world with. I can teach you to bake and cook, because that was one of my favorite things growing up. And if you don’t like that we can always try sports or shopping.. I am sure daddy is going to love his credit card bills after our shopping trips… I can not wait to watch you find your passion in life, regardless of what it may be, and experience you grow into a girl, teen, and young adult. I already know you are going to be special. So much love and hope came into making you, and I can not believe you are inside of me growing. One of our friends just had a little boy, and I can’t wait for you to meet him. Sitting in that hospital made me urne to hold you and kiss you the way they were with their little boy…. But I know our time will come. As for now, I am so greatful for your little kicks and flutters because to me they are little kisses from the inside. I love feeling you. Feeling you play inside my belly makes every morning I get sick, and every night I can’t sleep worth it. The back pain and ligament pain doesn’t even matter in the end because I know that is just you growing into the perfect little baby girl. I was so scared we would never get to have you.. The tears and months of unanswered questions made this journey so hard but as of tonight I wouldn’t change a thing. For those who can conceive first try, I am impressed, but you will never feel the pain that makes this love so much stronger. The rain before the rainbow is what makes the rainbow truly shine, you are our rainbow baby, you are the answer to every dream I’ve ever had. I just hope to be the best mother to you because you deserve nothing less. You are already my little princess, I can not wait to hold you baby girl. Meeting you is going to be the happiest day of my life. 

Love, your mommy

P.s. Thank you for all the happiness you’ve brought us already, I don’t think there is anything more special. 

It’s a…. GIRL!

  
First let me start this blog post off by saying how in love I am with my life, mainly this man right here and this little baby growing every single day inside of me. Marriage is such a scary step in life… I won’t lie to you guys, I took the plunge without even thinking about everything the comes along with marriage, I think my husband would say the same. However, from the second I met this man I swore I was in love. 

If you want to hear our love story, get ready to puke your brains up because we are that cute! Lol, I had all my notebooks in the sixth grade filled with ” I love 33″ (33 being his baseball number).. Yes I went to almost every single one of his little league games… We were MySpace Offically dating at the time, LOL. We grew apart once middle school hit, but once high school hit we would talk every so often since we had friends in common. Every time I saw his name pop up on my phone my heart would stop and my cheeks would get all red. I specifically remember being out to dinner with my dad when I was about sixteen or seventeen, right before we started seriously dating, he texted me and asked me what I was up to on that Friday night. I thought this was it, he was finally going to ask me to hangout… He didn’t.. He just wanted to talk. I was so upset. A few months later, I transferred schools and I was having the best summer of my life. I had made the best friends, I was always out with my group of girls. Need I remind you, I never had a core group of friends. At my first high school I put up with these three girls, but the truth is they were the worst people I had ever met. But this summer was destined to be my summer. I was making out with the hottest guys, throwing parties, and being social. But the truth is, that wasn’t me, I was trapped in a dream. I was scared to tell my friends I didn’t want to throw a party because that is who they knew me as.. Until this night on the seaside heights Boardwalk. Walking with my group of friends I saw a really good family friend at the time, and my now husband was there.. On a date with another girl. I remember jokingly flirting ly telling him I could “save him from the date and he could come hangout with me”. I wasn’t joking, I was jealous and angry that the guy who I crushed on since I was eleven asked someone on a date that wasn’t ME. Weeks went on and we actually started hanging out, my girlfriends and his guy friends would go out on the boat or mini golfing nearly every night. I feel so hard for this man. From June 2010 we were inseparable. I spent every night I possibly could with him for nearly 5 years now, in a way I’d like to say he saved me from my new ways I developed. He showed me life at a different angle. We never went to a single party together, we even spent a romantic weekend away after prom instead of partying with friends. He has been my best friend since I was 11.

Today, we celebrate. We celebrate that we went through such a hard first year of marriage between him being gone and me adjusting to being a military spouse. We celebrate surviving in our love when even our own parents thought it would never last. We celebrate beating my PCOS. We celebrate our BABY GIRL! Today, we celebrate our life that we made. We created a foundation before we took the step of marriage. That is what a lot of young couples don’t realize they need to do first. I have run into way to many couples who get pregnant super young and less then a year into their marriage. From personal experience, I don’t think our relationship would be here today if we had rushed it. Regardless of how in love you are, you need a foundation to start a family, and years married and living together is a good start. I am not judging anybody who starts families young by any means, just personally rushing into having a child before you celebrate two years of marriage is too soon. In the two years of marriage I learned more then I did in the 6 years of knowing him prior. 

I am so thankful for this life… My husband is my rock. He is the best husband in the world,.

Thanks for spending the last 6 years in my arms babe, you are going to make the most amazing father ever, I know it.

-xoxBrianna

Keeping Healthy

Seventeen Weeks Along

I have never been “skinny”, and I have struggled with restricted dieting all my life. When I was younger, til about sixteen, I was unhealthy and very much overweight. From my sixteenth birthday I worked so hard to keep the pounds off, going from 180lb down to 120lb, mainly by not over eating. I was a dumb young girl but for once I was happy with myself. But lasting at 120lb was impossible for me, I was athletic and too strong willed to fall into an actual “eating disorder”, so I maintained a healthy life and kept a balance weight from seventeen til now. Knowing what I know now about my weight struggles it’s comforting to know that I was doing nothing wrong, it was just the way my body worked. I have always been between 135-140lb, and I personally loved my body type. However, watching my belly grow has not been as easy as I would of imagined, and it is kind of hard for me to admit.

Yes, of course, watching my belly grow has been magical and wonderful. AND I even felt the first flutters this past couple days! They were AMAZING! But having tight jeans, and a little pouch has been messing with my mind. A part of me wants to revert back to my old self, diet and cut out carbs and eat low calorie. But I know I am not eating unhealthy, I know I am not binging on ice cream (baby bean HATES ice cream, thank god!), or eating too many French fries. I know I am doing nothing but growing my MIRACLE! I have only gained about 3-4lb since I started, which for nearly 4.5 months along I would like to say I think that’s pretty good! Keeping up my workout regime has been so incredibly hard. For all those women out there that hate gym every. Single. Day. You are bionic.

The gym…. Oh the gym! I really do love being there…. But I hate getting there! I am seventeen weeks and still fighting morning sickness, (not so) patiently waiting for it to end, battling insomnia every night, and sleeping in til past 9am (so late for me!!). Getting to the gym is a legitimate battle with myself. I try to do 30min of cardio a day, with some weight excersizes included.. But I only manage to get there maybe 3 days a week. My mom tells me this is just something I need to embrace about pregnancy. I need to listen to my body and start living for the new ruler of my life. But the postpartum body is so incredibly scary to me.

I am terrified if I don’t maintain a gym schedule that by the time baby bean comes I will be so use to not going that going will become even more hard. I am terrified of being unhealthy again. I don’t want my children growing up with an unhealthy mother. I am scared of getting postpartum depression, so by keeping up with my workouts it helps ease my mind.

Growing a baby is hard work, mentally and physically. But I need to start understanding that our bodies are meant to do this. We are mean the to stretch, grow and develop to sustain another human. Instead of fearing the future I need to embrace the changes, love my new bump, and be excited for all the future changes to come.

As for now I’ve decided to stick to a home workout routine of Shaun T’s t25. His insanity videos changes my life, and t25 is perfect for pregnant women due to having an alternate routine to follow to help cater to all shapes and sizes.

To everyone who is struggling with their baby bellies, or postpartum bodies, ROCK IT MOMMAS! Nothing is more beautiful than motherhood!!

-xoxBrianna

5 weeks 6 day update!

Say hi to our little baby bean blob! I am not going to lie to you guys and say I was crying with joy, the truth is I got so sad. We didn’t have a heartbeat yet but I am not even 6 weeks yet so it’s understandable, but still. We got to see our baby, and the thought of it getting ripped away from us again is unbearable.

I can’t believe that little bean is in my belly. That little bean was created with so much love and desire from my husband and I. That little bean is everything my husband and I have planned for years! I can’t believe it. Maybe that’s why I am feeling how I am. I just simply can not believe it.

I am so over joyed, thankful, and positive about this little bean, but sometimes I just can’t keep the negative out. As I was laying on that table, we saw the gestation sac, it looked so empty I couldn’t even breath. The second we saw our little bean my heart started racing even more.

Is this really it? Everyday that goes by I think I’m letting go of the negative thoughts more and more. Baby steps. Like a friend of mine keeps reassuring me- this is my rainbow baby.

-XoxoBrianna

Test day is today….

Can it really be true?? Can I finally go to bed happy tonight??

I don’t know how anbody can be happy when they see a positive test after they’ve faced a miscarriage and fertility problems. It’s so horrible to constantly feel like it’s déjà vù. Like we’ve been here already. Elated that we got our positive test… Only to follow by misery and a heart break I’ve never even imagined. When I look at these tests I feel fear. Not fear that I’m going to be a mom, but fear I won’t be. Fear that our journey is going to once again go down that unexpected roller coaster drop.

How do I push those fears away? How do I learn to feel happy? This is everything I’ve ever wanted, and yet I feel like I can’t enjoy it yet.

My period is due Wednesday. So a whopping two days before  I got my BFP! I am so scared it’s not going to implant right again. I am so scared to even talk about it to DH. I don’t want anybody to have their hopes up, including my own. How will I know it’s safe to be happy?

I tested on a digital today, it read “not pregnant”. That’s exactly how I knew I was having a miscarriage last time. It never read “pregnant” no matter how many days In a row I took it. My HCG never got high enough.

I really am so excited at the thought of having our baby, our rainbow baby. I can’t begin to tell you how many times I’ve already caught myself smiling at the thought. I want to be excited and happy, I just don’t know how.

I just want to know our little bean is going to be okay.. I am 3 and a half weeks today. Hopefully I can keep counting, but if not I want to put this out there. I want to document every step of my journey, good or bad. I want experiences, advice, comfort, thoughts, everything I can possibly receive from you guys.

Please keep our baby bean in your thoughts. I can’t begin to imagine another loss thanks to PCOS.

-xoxoBrianna

Isn’t it ironic, don’t ya think?

  I was driving back from CD 23 blood work when I decided I was in the mood for some Alanis… First song that came up was Ironic.  I finally thought about it. Isn’t it ironic the amount of time and effort we have put in to not having a baby to only find out we can’t? Isn’t it ironic we want nothing more than to be mothers to our children we are struggling to concieve? Isn’t it ironic that our wombs are supposed to keep our babies safe, yet I’ve read way to many blogs of our bodies miscarrying at all different gestations. Isn’t it ironic? Our world is filled with irony of infertility. 

From before I could remember I loved babies, and children. I worked with as a toddler teacher and I loved it. I love when they would cry for nap and I got to snuggle. I love when they get an “ouchie” and need to be held extra tight. I love when they poop and reach in the diapers because they’re curious. I love finding them eating chalk, and soap. I can’t really tell you anything I don’t love about children, especially toddlers. But after my miscarriage and my diagnosis I couldn’t look at them and be happy. I just felt a huge hole in my heart, like I couldn’t breathe. When I saw their reactions to “mommy” picking them up I just wanted to cry. I want that. I want to be up with throw up everywhere and a child to hold til they feel better. I want the sleepless nights that lead into days. I want to be able to go into our second bedroom and just watch our baby sleep, quietly, beautifully, and peacefully. I’m terrified that will never happen. You never think you’ll be diagnosed with infertility. I dedicated my life to getting degrees in early childhood education for a reason. I can’t picture my life being surrounded by anything other than young children. And now I find out our chances of conceiving are low… I just want to be a mommy. I love watching my husband with babies nothing hurts my ovaries more then that. I just want those him teaching our little girl to play softball, or be our sons hockey coach. I want our disneyworld family vacations. I want to be apart of a real family. 

I guess what I’m trying to say is fear is taking over in my head today. I’ve never feared anything the way I fear never bearing my own child. I always imagined myself with babies. I never once thought about not having any. Since got married 3 and a half years ago we always said we couldn’t wait til the day we were financially ready for a baby. We made an agreement we would have at least $30,000 in one savings. Now we have our savings up at 22, way sooner than we imagined…. but nothing to reward ourselves with. I kick myself thinking what if we tried sooner, when we didn’t save up yet, we would have our baby by now. Why did we wait? We waited for good reason, but now I feel like our time is never going to come. I am trying to not have any regrets, but it’s hard when your scared you made the wrong choices. 

Well…. Here I am 10dpo. No symptoms, and I tested early AGAIN today. BFN. I don’t have any hopes for the cycle anymore. Last time I got a BFP at 10dpo, but miscarried. 

Thanks for reading my vent for the day. Happy Memorial Day weekend! Thank you to all who serve, or have served!!

Check out my new page on top, it goes over my symptoms leading up to my PCOS diagnosis!

-xoxoBrianna