The Transition Period

  
For 23 years I have been known as Brianna. For 4 years I have been known as Evans wife. For 2 weeks I have been known as Claire’s mom. 

Being Brianna is easy, I worried about a husband, a dog, and myself.. Both of which were capable of taking care of themselves, my dog more so then my husband.. Haha 😉 However, now I am in a transition period. I am no longer just Brianna. I am now known as mom.

Identity crisis? Maybe. I look in the mirror and I see myself but it’s not totally me. I have baggy clothes on that are comfy, I have a soft belly and bags under my eyes. My breasts are huge and veiny and I always have a little leech feeding from them. I am not who I remember myself being. I guess this is part of the fourth trimester that nobody seems to talk about. I am no longer myself, I have changed without meaning to. I promised myself all through my pregnancy to not let myself go; do my hair and make up daily and for crying out loud put a pair of jeans on. But now that I am here, living in the fourth trimester it’s nearly impossible. Every minute I get to myself while baby girl sleeps is particularly planned out- morning nap means shower, mid morning nap means coffee and breakfast, early afternoon nap means I nap too, late afternoon nap means clean and meal prep- you get the idea. 

The old Brianna was active at the gym, she loved doing her hair and looking nice even on the gloomiest of days, she loved going to coffee shops to sit and do homework or read, she enjoyed sitting outside rain or shine without a worry. That Brianna vanished quicker than I ever expected. I haven’t done more than a small hike daily, my hair is always up and my makeup is already lost in my drawer, coffee shop dates are now done at the drive thru between feedings, and the time of sitting outside are replaced by napping. 

I know this moment in my life is not going to be forever. I know I will find myself again, but in the meantime I am in no rush. I am embracing my “mom do” hair and my baggy circle eyes because that shows my day revolves around something greater and more amazing than anything else that has come my way. I know this stage is so quick lived and I can’t miss a single second without regret. 

To my old self: nothing against you but I have found something so much greater to live for right now…but once my life settles I will be back for you and love you deeper then ever before for creating such a beautiful child of mine.

As for now, the “new” me is going to throw her hair up and feed her little bear to sleep, and try to catch a few ZZZ’s before its time to repeat another hectic day…. I love motherhood.

Xoxo

Brianna 

Feeding The Queen

  
As of tomorrow I officially am a mother to a two week old! What a glorious two weeks it’s been, too. The days have been filled with so much love I can’t even explain… And so much breastfeeding. 

I’ve always wanted to breastfeed. How beautiful is it to watch your child eat in your arms- from your own body? Amazing. I’ve always been aware that breastfeeding was “hard”, by hard I mean never ending and (semi) painful. Breastfeeding isn’t AS painful as I anticipated; hope for the best but expect the worst, right? But breastfeeding is hard. 

Middle of the night feelings are the hardest. Knowing that this little gir relies on me and only me to meet her needs while my husband sleeps peacefully. My little girl falls in and out of conciousness which makes a normal half hour feeding an hour and a half ordeal. I wake up in the mornings by my alarm… My alarm being my baby girl moaning to eat, and I am EXHAUSTED. Then… I watch my husband wake up energized and ready to get the day going. So annoying. 

But then I stare into my precious two week olds eyes as she feeds and I feel like the luckiest momma in the world. I giggle because my husband may be getting the most sleep but he will NEVER experience this feeling between me and her. If it is between sleep or the quiet dark feeding a filled with so much unspoken love- screw sleep!! I will never sleep again for moments like those.

Like I’ve said a million times, you can see a situation and find 1000 negative things about it– but all it takes it finding that single happy reason.. It’ll change everything. 

Dear sleep, I miss you terribly but having you in my life is not worth missing the short time my little baby is going to be a little baby.

You’re gonna miss this

You’re gonna want this back

You’re gonna wish these days hadn’t gone by so fast

These Are Some Good Times

So take a good look around

You may not know it now 

But you’re gonna miss this

Reminiscing …

 

Gulf of Alaska; Wild Orca

 
The fact that it is almost 2016 freaks me out. To know that we’ve tried for a baby in 2014, and 2015 only to be blessed with our due date 2016. I can’t help but look back at everything 2015 has brought to me and my little family. I remember my miscarriage in December, right before the holidays last year, I couldn’t shake the feeling that 2015 was never going to end with a baby in my arms.

 2015 was filled with herbal medicines, progesterone, clomid, needles, and countless pregnancy tests. 2015 was filled with so many days and nights that I didn’t want to leave my bed. This past year was filled with living 6,000 miles away from everyone who means most to me. 2015 was filled with so many struggles emotionally and physically that I really believed would never end.  

But 2015 showed my inner strength, it was the year in which I believed so deeply in myself that I can overcome anything that was put in my way. I finished my associates degree in 2015. I created a home in Alaska this past year. I became physically and emotionally healthier with my eating and workout habits, and I grew my first child in 2015. 

There were highs and there were lows. This past year was amazing in the best way but along the way this year carried gray skies and sorrow. But this year is over and I am so happy to sit here and believe that I lived this past year to the fullest. We hiked mountains, saw wild orcas, had family visits, made great friends, I truly loved 2015 and I am sad to see it go. 

For 2016 I can only hope to build as many, if not more wonderful, happy, cheeks hurting from smiling, belly hurting from laughing moments with my little family. I can only hope 2016 will bring the birth of our healthy perfect little baby girl, and give us the opportunity to be the parents we’ve desperately wanted to be. I can’t wait to sit back and watch my baby girl grow and learn and show her child innocence. I can’t wait for the middle of the night booby-cries, the tantrums, the late night family snuggles,catching father daughter moments when I least expect it, I am so confident that we as a family will make our last year in Alaska amazing and blissful. We’ve dealt with so much negative in the prior years and none of which pushed us down so why stop now?

2016 is a new start. Don’t let depression creep in, don’t let sorrow hold you back, reach your goals with all it takes and don’t let anybody (especially yourself) tell you “No.”. 2016 is the time to bring yourself happiness. Buy those jeans, eat that cupcake, run a 5k, prove to yourself that life is amazing and worth living to the fullest.

2016 is going to be great, leave the negative behind and keep looking forward. 

Happy.

 

On this Sunday evening my husband and I are relaxing watching Netflix; I’m happy. But I just had a thought (one I’ve had before… Many times before) … Am I ready for the change?

I am so happy. Like I said in one of my last posts I feel like life is TOO good. But as I sit here laughing, snuggling, relaxing with just my husband and dog I am starting to panic about all the change that is about to happen. Currently I am 33 weeks pregnant. 33 WEEKS! Why does pregnancy go by 100x faster then dealing with infertility meds!?!?! But as I enter my 33rd week I can’t help but to think about the dynamic of my household and what is going to change. 

I am so ready to be a mom. I am so ready to love something more than I have ever loved before. I am ready for the sleepless nights and the crying …. And tantrums. I am ready to stress and worry about a life outside my own. But the voice of second thought comes creeping into my head. Am I ready to give up my nights with my husband and only my husband? Am I ready to give up my quick runs to the store? Or my quiet coffee breaks? Am I ready to go from Brianna to “Mom”? 

Yes I am so ready… I guess the voice in my head is my dear little friend; fear. I have a problem with control.. I love knowing what to expect and how to handle situations prior to being put into them. This situation has me feeling so unprepared and terrified of what lies ahead. But you know what? I think this fear in me is teaching me about parenthood. I think this fear is showing me a little taste of what being a mother is like. I can’t control many things that are going to happen to our little girl, like getting cut from a sports team, or a boyfriend breaking her heart.

Fear is healthy and this fear is going to help me be a better mother. I just need to stop and remind myself that is okay to be scared of our huge life altering change… And I need to remember that yes one door of our life is closing but we are starting the chapter of the rest of our lives. 

The Military Lifestyle As Parents

 

31 Week Ultrasound

 
First thing is first; Our ultrasound came back as our little girl measuring a few days ahead but what baby doesn’t? She has her daddy’s head that’s for sure!! I am looking forward to delievering that!! (Insert sarcasm!)

OK—I love being a military wife. I love waking up every morning kissing my husband goodbye in his uniform. I love the family that has been made at each unit we’ve lived at. This life is the only life that I have grown to know as an adult. From the age of eighteen the only thing I have ever known is counting down the days til my husband leaves, comes home, or til we move. As a couple this life has been nothing but exciting and adventurous for four years. However, now we are in a place where we’re giving both our parents’ their first grandchild…. and we live in Alaska!
Just recently my father underwent a 10 hour back surgery. Being so far away left me feeling so helpless and scared. What if something were to happen? I am over the “limit” of weeks to fly the airlines that leaves out of here unless its a medical emergency for myself.. This got me thinking and I actually just realized (even though we have lived here for nearly two years) that our family is a minimum 19+ hour flight – 3 flights – away. Thats scary. They don’t get “along”, ( I think I am safer keeping that story off of this blog… But what I can say is I will never understand some mothers…) so only one of them will be here for milestones like our daughters first christmas, thanksgiving, birthday, disney trip, etc. That breaks my heart.
My childhood was picture perfect, literally. I have been blessed with not only the greatest parents( I LOVE YOU DADDY!), but also the most amazing aunts in this world. My aunt took me in as her daughter, shopped for prom dresses with me, gave me guy advice, treated me like I was her own when my mother and I fell off the bandwagon for a couple years. I always pictured that for our daughter. I always pictured her going to her aunts house for Easter breakfast, or playing with her cousins like they’re her siblings, but that is something we’ll never have. My sister and I don’t talk.. I don’t like the person she is sometimes, I don’t like the way she talks, I love her but I just don’t like her sometimes. My children will never truly know their grandparents the way I knew my MeMe. That breaks my heart, too.
But one thing is for sure – the distance is not going to stop the love this little girl is going to recieve! 🙂
I love being a military spouse, I feel so proud to be married to a man that puts the needs of the service and the country before anything else. He does so much for me, and our country it leaves me in awe sometimes that I married such a selfless man. I know it is going to be hard facing deployments with a baby, and living so far from families, but it is going to be our family story. I want this lifestyle to teach our daughter and future children that its OKAY to leave the nest, explore the world, and be yourself. I want my children to not feel scared when they leave for college to a new state or place because that is what we have done their entire lives; new school and friends every 2,3,4 years!
We give up so much being a military family, but what we gain is unmeasurable. We gain a new family, a new thought, a new appreciation for life. I am so beyond thankful for this life, it has taught me that I have a strength inside me I would have never found!

Weight Gain and Fitness

 

31weeks 1day

 
WEIGHT. GAIN. 

I know that obviously you gain weight during pregnancy, I know that your body obviously changes during pregnancy. 

What I did not know was that watching the scale go up, up, and away really really messes with your mind!

I don’t know if it is the same for all you mommys to be or mommys but for me it is such a mental struggle. I’ve dealt with being overweight, I was obese as a teen. I told myself at sixteen I will never let the scale go up to where it was. Now as I continue to eat like I was, workout (almost) like I was, and live exactly how I was- my scale keeps on movin on up! It is hard to comprehend that I have a baby inside of me causing this weight gain considering I feel normal. I don’t “feel” like a baby is growing most of the time. 

I really love the fact that I’ve kept up my workouts, for the most part! I continue to go to the gym 4x a week and walk atleast 3 miles a day, every day. I just hope I can keep up a workout routine. I think every first time mom panics about their post baby body and I am no different. I don’t know how I will ever snap back to what my body was, I don’t think I will ever be skinny again. The constant remarks about breastfeeding helping me loose weight only stresses me more. I want to breastfeed, I really can not wait for that bonding moment between my daughter and I. But.. What if our little girl cannot latch right? What if breastfeeding just isn’t for me? What if I don’t produce enough milk to sustain her needs? Then what? Will I not loose the baby weight? 

I can’t wait to share this journey of motherhood from my perspective on this blog. I can’t wait to share my tears and my laughs. I can’t wait to see how much my body is going to amaze me within the next few months- feeding a living thing? Uhm hello!? If that isn’t beautiful I don’t know what is! 

Tonight I think I am going to eat a bowl of ice cream and not think about the calories. I think from today on the scale is no longer welcomed in my bathroom and the gym will continue to be my sanctuary… Atleast for another couple of weeks 🙂

Xoxo

Brianna

Let The Stresses Of Motherhood Begin

Left: 28 Weeks                                              Right: 30 weeks

Since the start of this pregnancy I feared getting too big. I never restricted my diet, but I have been conscious of my decisions. I began to worry that I wasn’t showing as much as the scale said I was gaining, but my doctors reassured me my weight gain is completely healthy and the baby is just taking her time popping out.

Well, let’s go back to Sunday of last week… Around 10pm I noticed spotting. Immediately panic set in. I decided to try to let my mind rest because my doctor warned me this would happen as I enter my third trimester, especially if the hubby and I did the deed, which we did (hehe). So I ignored it for the most part.. Until about 2:30 am when it still was there. Then!! The braxton hicks kicked in and cramping started. I wanted to cry but the hubby was sleeping and I did not want to wake him up if I was in a panic. Thankfully my mother is on the east coast, and I live in Alaska, so our time zones are 4hrs apart. By 3am she was awake getting ready for work so I called her. She assured me I am fine but to call the doctor the second they open. Now I am a true believer that my mind causes things to happen, for example the fact I was stressing so much about spotting and I kept saying to myself “I better not start with contractions, I better not get crampy”. Sure enough!! I did!!

Now, the next morning I called my doctor and they assured me I am fine but to go to the emergency room if I feel it necessary. They did not have any apts. but I had one for Wednesday anyway.

OK! So we’re at Wednesday at my doctors appointment. I am feeling great, pre-pregnancy jeans (with belly band) on, and pre-pregnancy sweater, I am feeling like a million bucks! Until my doctor walked in!!! I talk to him about everything that happened Sunday into Monday and he gave me advice and offered to check me (ya uh let’s give that a few more weeks doc.!). Then he proceeded to check the heartbeat and do the belly measurements. Need I remind you guys that I have been measuring about 2cm on the small side when it comes to my fundal measurements… But that day?? I was measuring nearly 4cm too big. Do The Math. That means within the two weeks between doctors appointments my belly grew………… 6cm!!?!?!?!! To top it off, my doctor immediately said, “Yeah.. We’re going to have have to take a look at this..You’re measuring too big for how far along you are, and considering you’ve been measuring smaller to bigger we want to get a correct measurement and see what we have going on…”

Okay panic mode on!!!

The spotting, cramps, and braxton hicks I can deal with as long as I know they’re normal for being in your third trimester and having sex/working out too much/ tender tissue/ just flat out #pregnancyprobs…BUT! To tell me my belly is too big??? Of course he states it could be too much amniotic fluid, she could be further along then expected, my glucose test could of been wrong with the results (I tested negative for gestational diabetes) or we could just have a large baby on our hand.

Uhmmmm large baby, for me? Hello! In case you guys are unaware I am barley 5’2 and my husband is barley 5’9 (hehehe) so yea uhhhh the chances of us creating a BIG human is probably the same chance as it hitting 80 degrees out here in Kodiak, Alaska, basically impossible.

So ultrasound set for Tuesday at 9am, just hoping our baby is doing perfect in there!!

Here’s to hoping I don’t need to redo that delicious glucose test, and here’s to hoping that baby girl cooks her little butt away in the oven for at least 7 more weeks.

I thought this much worrying happened after the baby was born? Gosh, I can’t wait for my glass of wine!

xoxox Brianna

It’s Been Too Long !

Wow! What a time it has been!

I am currently 16.5 weeks!!

It has been quite a long time since I last posted, and to be completely honest it has a lot to do with guilt. I feel as though my posts may make my followers feel alone, helpless, shame, guilt, anger, and sad. I have been there so I know what it is like to read and watch someone go through their pregnancy while you sit back and struggle.

But I must say, my year and A half struggle with infertility (and a future with it) has given me such a new outlook on life. I refuse to look at any pregnant woman from here on out and think “must be nice to be pregnant” because truth is, I don’t know how long it took her to get there.

I am a military spouse and just recently I ran into two of my neighbors ( who of course are pregnant ) and they made the remark of “guess you jumped on the baby train too…”. It felt like a dagger in my chest. I felt like yelling at them for being so inconsiderate. I felt like saying “sorry you feel I jumped on your baby train, however, it took me a lot longer then a simple descision with my husband to start trying and get pregnant weeks later”. The way she said it was almost like I am copying those around me… Since everyone knows military wives are good at popping out babies, trust me the stereotype is true, it’s almost like you are looked down on as stupid and young and hopping on the bandwagon!

That’s the biggest life lesson infertility has taught me… I have no idea what struggles someone went through to be where they are. So many times in the past I saw a pregnant lady and thought about how lucky she is to be pregnant and how little she knows about the struggles behind pregnancy for millions of women worldwide. I now see for myself how easy people assuming you being pregnant came easy.I am so proud of the tears and struggles I faced to be able to listen to a little heartbeat inside of me. I don’t want anybody to strip me of the stripes I earned to become a mother, regardless of my age or who I am married to, I went through hell and back for a young woman.

Although our future with having kids might grow even harder I have a taste of how sweet success is. I see how important it is to keep pushing through the needles and the tears and the negative thoughts. I am so fortunate to be growing this little baby inside of me because for the longest time I did not think I could get here, atleast without taking out a loan and going through rounds of IVF.

My doctor has told me that time is against me, and I am okay with that. I am okay with the future struggles life may hold because the struggles build you into a strong independent and understanding person. I have faced a great deal of struggles in my life but I know they are just get beginning, more will come, harder ones will develop, but I know from experience that everything has given me strength to deal with life in a positive light, and for that I am so thankful for this life.

For all those who I follow, your strength inspires me, your monthly let downs give me a sense of inspiration. You don’t get told how truly brave you are for dealing with such a lonely disease. Seeing you post happy stories, regardless of the deep pain you must feel, and tackling fertility treatment after treament like warriors is amazing to me. If one day I find myself trying for baby #2 with more unsuccessful months I will always remember how each and every one of you stayed positive and never gave up hope that you will get your little miracle.

For all those who follow me, take a step back and look for things you are thankful for, fortunate to have, and hold you struggles up high and proud, regardless of how beat down they made you feel. Life is a complete blessing and standing up high and telling your story proud is important.

All you ladies are so amazing to me!

-xoxoBrianna

Payback full force

  
I will admit it.. When I would read posts about nausea and morning sickness I would roll my eyes, and probably say something along the lines of “it’s what they wanted..”. Boy oh boy payback sucks!!

The past week has just been getting harder and harder. I can’t stop gagging every morning, I can’t eat a meal without wanting to spit it back up, and I can’t go to bed and sleep through the night without waking up and feeling like I’m “sea sick”. I have been miserable. All I want to do is sleep, but mainly so I don’t feel this constant upset stomach.

But every time I gag, and throw up the food I’ve been trying so hard to finish I am so thankful. I love feeling sick as much as it completley ruins my days. I love knowing little baby bean is swimming away down there all cozy. There is one thing that’s already driving me crazy about this morning sickness….

Gender. 

I’ve always pictured myself with all boys… My husband and my friends who know keep telling me the reason I am so sick is because of a little baby girl… Now of course I am letting my mind wonder. Pink walls, cute dresses, leggings, hair accessories. Ugh! I can not let his gender get to my head at only 8 weeks!!!!

After so many years of wanting boys. I want my little girl. The suspense is already killing me. I am a glutton for punishment for even thinking about it so early.

I am so excited and feel so lucky to be able to even stand where I am, and think what I am thinking, and feel how I am feeling.

The lead boobs, puffy belly, and upset stomach is the best most uncomfortable feelings of my life that I wouldn’t change for the world…

I can not wait for these next 7 months, to feel you grow, to see you for the first time, and to be your mommy… 4 more weeks til I can finally announce to everyone. Then 5-8 weeks from then we find out if it’s our little stud or little princess…. 

Life is too good to be true sometimes, this is one of those times.

We love you baby bean.

-xoxBrianna

Life is getting real…

When I imagined becoming pregnant I don’t think I once worried about being pregnant. Now, I feel like I want to live in a bubble, and I am terrified of it popping. What am I scared of? Let’s see…

• Working out
• Eating any bad foods
• Throwing up too much
• Cramping from growing belly
• Gas pains
• Sleeping too much
• Medicines I shouldn’t take
• Things I shouldn’t eat (deli meats)

That’s just to name a few… I am terrified of working out and trust me I love fitness. I love sweating at the gym, but when I went to the gym a week and a half ago I got a cramp while I was on the stair master and I almost had a nervous break down. My doctor told me I should be fine but the thought of me hurting my little bean scares the absolute crap out of me. Nobody told me it would be like this, maybe it’s only like this for those who have lost or struggled to become pregnant. And as far as foods.. Don’t get me started. I can keep smoothies down, that’s about it! But I want ice cream so bad… I just don’t want to A. Throw my guts up, and B. Fuel my bean with bad nutrients when I can’t get any vegetable to stay down.

Ohhhh and, I feel the pressure of being a new mom already. Is eating a turkey sandwich going to kill my baby? Will people think I’m careless if I do? What do I do if I eat something on the “do not eat” list? Am I a bad mom? My husband gets so annoyed and thinks I overthink everything but I look back at how I secretly judged every pregnant woman I met. Maybe out of jealousy, or envy, or just plain bitterness… But I am scared of what people will say about me.

I just can’t believe we are over 7 weeks pregnant already. Our family doesn’t know, besides my mother in law, and a few close friends in which I confided our fertility struggles to personally. It’s powerful having such a deep secret, but it’s isolating at the same time.

Everyone says “sleep while you can” when you’re pregnant. But, nobody tells you about the constant thoughts racing through your brain every night keeping you up. Is the baby okay? Cloth or regular diapers? Breastfeeding or formula? When should we announce? Just to name a few thoughts currently racing now.

In closing I want to say a part of me feels guilty for conceiving knowing and reading so many of your beautiful and tragic fertility struggles. Some of you ladies out there have it so hard. I have always believed that you were dealt in life only the things you can handle. You ladies are strong, beautiful, and beyond all – courageous for standing tall through fertility treatment after treatment.

To all those trying to have a baby of your own: your time will come. Whether it’s adoption, ovulation drugs, or fertility treatments, your next. Negativity has no space in this wicked infertility world. My heart goes out to every single one of you.

-xoxoBrianna