Mama Llama Drama

Stay at Home “Mom-ing“

As a child I dreamed of being a mother. As a teen I dreamed of my career and accomplishments. As a young adult I dreamed of the picket fence, fantastic career, beautiful babies, loving husband, and every other imaginable perfect life scenario. So what is life like today? It’s so very good. There are times when I know it could be better and there are times where I know how much worse we could be. But if I am being honest, sometimes I feel like I don’t do enough all while knowing I need a break.

Being home all day is a way to really mess with your psyche. I clean, cook, and everything else that needs to be done but there are days where my husband sees none of that. There are days where I receive the “what did you do all day?” remarks and eye glances. There are days where I lay in bed wishing and begging for the extra few minutes of silence before the daily chaos begins. My life is so repetitive. There is nothing spectacular happening. We just go through the motions. Now, a part of me thinks that life without chaos is a good life. However, my other part thinks of life as “ground hog day” is the worst.ever.

These babies are everything to me. If there is anything I want in this world, it’s that they look back and remember those small tiny minuscule memories of how we’d eat ice cream sandwiches when daddy’s was away with work, or how we’d stay up late watching silly movies. I want my kids to know I’m always there and being a stay at home provides us that. My babies know that mommy is home. Bad day? Mommy’s home. Friends are mean outside? Mommy’s home. Don’t feel good? Mommy’s home. I also have a little teaching side job which I love (VIPKID). But it’s not truly an income anymore with an infant that hates sleep….(9 MONTHS OF AN ALL NIGHT MILK BAR!)

I spend most days a month being a single mommy while my husband goes out with his boat. When he is home I teach before any baby wakes, I try to make the little side money as I can because we all know that military members aren’t millionaires ;). I try. I just really really try to help in every way I can. And yet some days that isn’t even good enough. Some days I let my husband get in my head, what do I even do? I don’t have many friends let alone a stable career and life outside my house. Some days I sit back and wonder how I could have allowed myself to become so isolated and secluded from the world, how I have become so fearful of going back to work and pushing myself to be a better mother and wife. The years of being a stay at home mom has caused my head and heart so much ache and confusion. Is there ever a right time to go back to work?

I type this as my infant snuggles and starts to fade into his beautiful slumber… for what I hope is a few hours anyways. I type this with his body snuggled into mine and it almost grounds me. Although there are so many voices battling what is best for me and my family his breathing calms them. As for now, I am content with isolation and quietness if it means I get these moments as a mother. Sometimes I forget how fragile this life we live can be. Sometimes I forget they grow up, faster then I am ready to admit.

Xoxox

Brianna

Happy.

 

On this Sunday evening my husband and I are relaxing watching Netflix; I’m happy. But I just had a thought (one I’ve had before… Many times before) … Am I ready for the change?

I am so happy. Like I said in one of my last posts I feel like life is TOO good. But as I sit here laughing, snuggling, relaxing with just my husband and dog I am starting to panic about all the change that is about to happen. Currently I am 33 weeks pregnant. 33 WEEKS! Why does pregnancy go by 100x faster then dealing with infertility meds!?!?! But as I enter my 33rd week I can’t help but to think about the dynamic of my household and what is going to change. 

I am so ready to be a mom. I am so ready to love something more than I have ever loved before. I am ready for the sleepless nights and the crying …. And tantrums. I am ready to stress and worry about a life outside my own. But the voice of second thought comes creeping into my head. Am I ready to give up my nights with my husband and only my husband? Am I ready to give up my quick runs to the store? Or my quiet coffee breaks? Am I ready to go from Brianna to “Mom”? 

Yes I am so ready… I guess the voice in my head is my dear little friend; fear. I have a problem with control.. I love knowing what to expect and how to handle situations prior to being put into them. This situation has me feeling so unprepared and terrified of what lies ahead. But you know what? I think this fear in me is teaching me about parenthood. I think this fear is showing me a little taste of what being a mother is like. I can’t control many things that are going to happen to our little girl, like getting cut from a sports team, or a boyfriend breaking her heart.

Fear is healthy and this fear is going to help me be a better mother. I just need to stop and remind myself that is okay to be scared of our huge life altering change… And I need to remember that yes one door of our life is closing but we are starting the chapter of the rest of our lives.