A Life of Disordered Eating

“She has become morbidly obese, but she is young so it only takes a few diet changes…”, the words of my doctor at 11 years old. I remember I wouldn’t even get into my mothers car after this was spoken in the office room. I was horrified, embarrassed, ashamed. I sat in the trunk of my mothers Ford Explorer crying, hysterically, as I pinched together my fat rolls. That was the first day I hated myself. Up until that point I was only semi aware of the weight I was, the diet I ate, and how I was portrayed. Hearing the term “morbidly obese” during an age where boys where starting to like girls, knowing everyone who saw me saw my stomach rolls, ruined a part of me I am still trying to get back.

Three years later I surrounded myself with not so nice friends. They poked fun at my weight, they made it clear I was the “DUFF” or in other terms “designated ugly fat friend”. I felt it every second of my life. I never had a boy speak to me, let alone crush on me. I was alone because truthfully I hated myself more then anyone could ever hate me. That’s where it all began, the restricting, the lies on eating, the starving to the point of no more hunger. I never let it out. Rumors swirled that I wasn’t eating, I lost all the not so nice friends I thought I had. I was loosing weight but hating myself even more then before.

I still often think about those days in my life where I would watch the saddest movies so I had a reason to cry without being questioned. I reminisce on those times who have made me who I am. I’ve become so much more aware of negative self deprecating talks and the affects on the minds around me. I hated those years, I wish I could take them away but I can’t. That’s probably a good thing though because without them I would have never grown the way I have. They’ve taught me so much on how to help my daughter in the years to come, but at the time they almost made want to end my life.

It’s funny how life keeps moving forward, and only when the years pass you see things in a new light and appreciate both good and bad.

Xoxox

Brianna

When A Mom Needs to Workout

I had so many imaginations of being a mother. I would imagine dropping the kids at the daycare in the gym and getting my workout on. I imagined date nights away from kids with a trusted babysitter for a romantic time away. I imagined perfect sleeping babies who always behaved and went to bed without a peep. But the whole gym thing- that was going to happen.. news flash: it never did.

Here I am two beautiful babies, three and a half years later and I haven’t stepped foot inside a gym in nearly four years! It sounds pathetic but it’s true. With every intention, with every ounce of my body missing a good workout I was never able to get back into a gym setting with my husbands schedule. For almost a year it really hurt my mental health to a fault. I got depressed after my daughter was born, desperate for the moments of solitude and quietness of a gym with only my music playing in my ears. I missed the glimpse of my fit pre pregnancy body. I still do miss that atmosphere. However I’ve grown to see the bigger picture, it’s not about where you go to sweat it’s the fact that you do it.

Today, you can find me working out in my living room surrounded by toys and sometimes a crying child. I am determined to make lemonade from the lemons I’ve been given.

It’s had some advantages, too. My daughter acknowledges working out as something normal and understands it’s what I need to do. She attempts the moves with me and we bond over it. Growing up obese, yes “morbidly obese” actually..(that’s a story for another time), I am so grateful for my daughter to see being healthy as something normal, not a fad diet or a need to be thin; rather healthy.

Although I still dream of my lonely isolated workouts without drool and diaper changes while trying to stop toddlers from arguing over barbies, I am so thankful I’ve found such a peace of mind in working out and being healthy in the eyes of my children..One day I will be in the gym, and I will ache for the moments I have now.

Xoxox

Brianna

Work First, Family Second

Military living is just hard. Nearly eight years and I still struggle being second in the world of my husband. “The needs of the service” is a term my husband has been using since 2012. It describes where we will live, the job my husband does, and the amount of time away from our family. Whatever the service needs is what we have to do. Sure, we get benefits… housing, insurance, stability.. but we loose so much time together. We loose out on being a family more times than we are one. My children have grown to know daddy at work more than daddy home, and as a wife I am more familiar with being a single mom than a married one. Even when my husband is home I still lack the assistance, more so because I don’t seem to need it. I am so accustomed to cooking, bathing, playing, doing all without help that when my husband is home it is more of a struggle than anything else.

I think that’s an aspect of military life a lot of civilians don’t comprehend. They assume it’s hard when the active duty member is gone, but so easy when they return. I wish it were that easy. It’s hard always. It’s hard when they’re gone, but it’s just as hard when they’re home. It’s hard to balance leaving and coming, it’s hard explaining to a three year old her dad is only home for a few days. It’s hard maintaining a schedule when your home life is unbalanced.

I am so thankful for my husband, the way he provides, how hard he works and most importantly the sacrifices he has made to keep this life for his family. I am so thankful for the US Coast Guard for providing my husband a job and us with the benefits it does. But the sacrifices are sometimes painful.

Maybe one day we will learn to balance our worlds, maybe one day my husband will be home more than away. And maybe one day I will learn to accept the needs of the service and live life more freely.

Xoxox

Brianna

Best Work From Home Job!

Any other moms out there that worry about balancing work life and home life?

Raise your hand if you have ever stressed about daycare costs, the lack of independence as a stay at home mom, the sense of loss for who you used to be when working, or if you just want to make that extra $300 to cover some bills. I have been there! When I first started out as a stay at home mom I loved it. After about a year I felt lost, lonely, and I felt as though I lost so much of my purpose of life outside parenthood.

Fast forward two years and I am content, and happy, but most of all thankful. I have found such a wonderful employment opportunity in working from home… and by home I mean my laundry room that I converted into an office space! It first started as a drive to become more than “mom”, then it started as “let’s just see if I can cover the car payment”, and it has grown to a four figure income every month depending on how much I hustle– ALL WHILE MY BABIES ARE ASLEEP! YES!! ASLEEP!!!

Curious? Doubtful? Think I am going to sell a pyramid scheme? The answer to this is simple. VIPKID! VIPID is an at home ESL (English as Second Language) company. We are provided materials to tutor Chinese students in fluent English. There is no prep- there is no time to create lessons! We attend class and teach our slides. We teach 25 minute long sessions starting at $7-$10 a class, with incentives for $1 every class finished, .50 for every 30 classes and $1 for every 46 class per month! The hours are early morning EST (4am-9am) making it simple for moms and dads to teach while their little ones sleeps… Exactly what I do!

Two. Years! It has been two years since I gained my independence with this company. I have created friends with similar goals, I have provided a second income for my family. And most importantly, I have no had to miss a single moment of my children’s’ lives!

If anybody is interested in this (US and Canada) please reach out to me! This company is looking to expand its’ teaching platform. Please email below and click link to apply! I will happily assist you on hiring process if you choose to continue!

Email: vipkidbriannahughes@gmail.com

https://t.vipkid.com.cn/mkt/landing/personal?referralToken=761e95bfbc5964e6609d47ccff49efbe&refereeId=7629391

 

Requirements:

• Bachelors Degree (ANY field)
• Teaching experience (coaching, camp counselor, babysitting, teaching, daycare, ANY sort of experience with children)
• Located in US or Canada, or have citizenship
• High speed internet
• LOVE Children!

 

 

Life Lessons

Discussing Differences

As my daughter grows, not only do I have to buy new shoes but we need to expand our topics of discussion. In 2019 we as parents need to educate our new generation on three main levels: respect, understanding, and love.

After our (three) bedtime stories a few nights back C (my three year old) started to discuss her friends at school. For some reason she started to identify the difference in characteristics of some friends. We discussed the shoes a friend wore, we discussed a “boo boo” another had. Then finally she hit me with a question I never really prepared myself to answer… “Mommy Z has braids in her hair. Her hair is different. She always has cool clips. Why mom? Why is her skin brown mom? Can I have cool clips?”.

I know her questions were pure innocent but I was taken back by how observant a small brain could be. I spoke with her about differences of friends. We identified all the different things her and I have..blue eyes, brown eyes, long hair, short hair. We came to the conclusion that all friends, even family, are different. I educated her on how important it is to respect our friends for every difference they may have. As I did that I wondered about other children her age, asking or wondering this question and the response they were given.

I could only hope that the answers given about differences, wether it’s race or gender or even orientation, was spoken about with respect, understanding, and love. We have so much to worry about in our world and I do not believe we as parents can instill anymore hate into our world before more harm gets done.

This talk about differences gave me an insight into my future. When she asks about where babies come from, or what happens when she grows up, or even when her curiosity grows about sex. I just hope I can always provide her with respectful answers. I hope I can understand where she is coming from, and I hope I can teach her to approach all situations with confidence that she was given information to provide success.

As for my son? Well he’s still too young to even understand peek-a-boo, so I’ll keep you updated about his first curious question in a few years!

Xoxox

Brianna

Mama Llama Drama

Stay at Home “Mom-ing“

As a child I dreamed of being a mother. As a teen I dreamed of my career and accomplishments. As a young adult I dreamed of the picket fence, fantastic career, beautiful babies, loving husband, and every other imaginable perfect life scenario. So what is life like today? It’s so very good. There are times when I know it could be better and there are times where I know how much worse we could be. But if I am being honest, sometimes I feel like I don’t do enough all while knowing I need a break.

Being home all day is a way to really mess with your psyche. I clean, cook, and everything else that needs to be done but there are days where my husband sees none of that. There are days where I receive the “what did you do all day?” remarks and eye glances. There are days where I lay in bed wishing and begging for the extra few minutes of silence before the daily chaos begins. My life is so repetitive. There is nothing spectacular happening. We just go through the motions. Now, a part of me thinks that life without chaos is a good life. However, my other part thinks of life as “ground hog day” is the worst.ever.

These babies are everything to me. If there is anything I want in this world, it’s that they look back and remember those small tiny minuscule memories of how we’d eat ice cream sandwiches when daddy’s was away with work, or how we’d stay up late watching silly movies. I want my kids to know I’m always there and being a stay at home provides us that. My babies know that mommy is home. Bad day? Mommy’s home. Friends are mean outside? Mommy’s home. Don’t feel good? Mommy’s home. I also have a little teaching side job which I love (VIPKID). But it’s not truly an income anymore with an infant that hates sleep….(9 MONTHS OF AN ALL NIGHT MILK BAR!)

I spend most days a month being a single mommy while my husband goes out with his boat. When he is home I teach before any baby wakes, I try to make the little side money as I can because we all know that military members aren’t millionaires ;). I try. I just really really try to help in every way I can. And yet some days that isn’t even good enough. Some days I let my husband get in my head, what do I even do? I don’t have many friends let alone a stable career and life outside my house. Some days I sit back and wonder how I could have allowed myself to become so isolated and secluded from the world, how I have become so fearful of going back to work and pushing myself to be a better mother and wife. The years of being a stay at home mom has caused my head and heart so much ache and confusion. Is there ever a right time to go back to work?

I type this as my infant snuggles and starts to fade into his beautiful slumber… for what I hope is a few hours anyways. I type this with his body snuggled into mine and it almost grounds me. Although there are so many voices battling what is best for me and my family his breathing calms them. As for now, I am content with isolation and quietness if it means I get these moments as a mother. Sometimes I forget how fragile this life we live can be. Sometimes I forget they grow up, faster then I am ready to admit.

Xoxox

Brianna

What year is it again?

Lets rewind—

Hi to all who have ever read my posts. It has been nearly three years since my last chance to write and I have missed it everyday. So much has changed.. so so much. We welcomed our surprise but yet not so surprise baby boy back in September. Jack Francis! We moved from Alaska to New Jersey! My daughter started pre-k! I started work as an ESL Teaching in-line! Basically our lives haven’t stopped.

February 2017 we received our phone call for the military transfer telling us we were headed to Cape May, NJ. However, what I didn’t know back then was the life and schedule we would be living with. Now I am aware of how the military works, I am aware of the days away, but what I wasn’t aware of at the time was doing this life as a mom. My husband started work on a boat… a very sporadic boat. My last 2 years have been filled with a lot of “single mommy” days and nights. A lot of fights with my husband, and struggles with finding myself. But here I am still standing.

We decided to try for another baby while in New Jersey. We knew how hard and long getting pregnant with my daughter was so we assumed (LOL) that it would be the same way this time around. We dropped protection in October and by December we were pregnant. And I cried… and cried… and cried. I was terrified. Your first pregnancy is so much different than your second. By this time you know what’s ahead, you know how hard raising tiny humans are. I knew how hard my husband schedule was and how I’d be doing this alone. I wanted this baby but I was so deeply saddened. Was I taking away from my daughter? Would I face depression? Will I ever loose the baby weight? Can I do this? But here I am still standing.

My marriage has been hard. Marriage is hard. So Very Hard. We argue over little things, but we love hard, too. A lot of the arguing has to do with the loneliness I feel at times. It’s hard to make friends and feel apart of something as a military wife. It’s hard to find your person while balancing a home life and an at home job while your husbands gone for the week again. I feel so much anger at my husband somedays where he seems to have no desire to understand my life. He thinks my life is easy, I mean all I do is sit at home, right? But here I am still standing.

All in all, I am back to writing… venting… trying to find other moms/wives/people to share this journey with.

 

Xoxox

Brianna

The unforeseen future and the fears it brings..

Hi guys! 

I find myself on the thought train tonight. I was watching a movie and the character stated ” that’s not where I see myself in five years! “. And then it hit me. Where do I see myself?

I love being a mom.. 

But in five years will I still be here at home, with more babies? In five years, will I have started my career? Would I obtain my teaching license? Will I set out to accomplish every goal I have set for myself. 

I sit here and wonder if it’s bad if I choose to put myself first. If I choose to go to work- even if we are financially stable enough for me to stay home- am I being a bad mom? If I choose to accomplish my goals and put off more kids, am I being selfish? If I choose to have more kids and put them in child care to work, am I hurting their bond with me since I spent every moment with their older sibling?

In five years…will I have gone through the heartbreak of loosing another child? Will I be surprised with an “oopsies” baby? 

In five years… Where will we be living? What state would we be moving to next? Will we have bought a home? Will I have my masters?

We never know what the future holds. We don’t know what will happen, and we can’t stop it. As I sit here tonight with a beautiful 6 month old nursing away I am fearful of the next five years. Will the world have come to love more? Will the senseless violence have fade away?

I never noticed how fast time goes by until I became a mother. At the end of the day that’s who I am now, presently, and that’s all I need to worry about. Regardless of tomorrow and what it brings- I will wake up and go to bed a mother. Now time to turn off the brain and watch some television. 

Xoxox

Brianna

How To Change Your Mindset, For Your Little Ones Sake.

Hello curves, (and foggy mirror, my shower was running)

It’s nice to meet you- but not really. 

Gosh- my body is so different you guys. My thighs are thicker, my belly and hips are fuller, my collar bones are hidden and my breasts are huge. I don’t even recognize myself. People say all the time I wish I looked like you and I never even had a baby. That doesn’t help me. I have expectations, I see people on social media, I know what I want, more like NEED, to look like. 

I bought this bathing suit for one purpose: to take my daughter swimming for her 6 month “birthday celebration”. I tried it on and immediately pointed out every single flaw. I left my bathroom in tears and said I will NOT take her swimming if I look like this. Later that night after talking with a friend (you know who you are!) I realized my actions were not only embarrassing but selfish. 

The thought of allowing my daughter to miss out on something because I feel bad about not reaching the expectations I had for myself. 

So here I am trying to talk to myself, trying to reason with myself that for my daughters sake to PLEASE let my body image go. I need to try to focus on the better things. I need to try to see what could come out of swimming or other activities outside my comfort zone, for the sake of my child. 

Tomorrow is a new day. Tomorrow is the day that I (you’re welcome to join) look in the mirror in that bathing suit, outfit for the day, any time I pass a mirror and say every positive aspect that comes to mind. 

I am taking back my body image. 

Xoxox

Brianna

Houston, we have a tooth!

I was expecting teeth, I mean of course she is going to get teeth. All babies get teeth… But a tooth!!!!! Gosh, how??? How does the little baby I literally feel like just was born have a freaking tooth??

I was eating Greek yogurt so I decided to put a dab on her tongue. As I went to take my finger out something poked me and my heart stopped. A tooth. A sharp freaking tooth. A TOOTH. I am sorry for repeating, but I am still in shock. 

I never thought I would be this emotional over every aspect of Claire growing up.. But man. It is hard. Sitting back and watching her grow up is so hard. Every single day she becomes more independent. Every single day she is learning something new and it amazes me. It amazes me how much she loves, how unconditional she is, how pure she is, how she has become her “own” at such a young age. When you are without kids you don’t notice time changing, a few months go by and the only thing that changes are tan lines and the winter chub, but for babies… Everything is different. 

Being a mom is so much more than I had ever imagined. It has been the most natural and “easy” journey both my husband and I have adventured. I truly think that from the second we conceived Claire we decided to not plan for the future- I am talking immediate future. We both decided that every day will be planned by feelings and emotions, we just need to sit back for the ride. That being said, we aren’t the type of parents that NEED Claire to be asleep by 8:30, we don’t force anything – meals, naps, nothing. We go with the flow. 

And guess what? Our marriage has never been so blissful and fun. We laugh and love with so much less pressure and stress. We have a baby who runs our day but it makes her happy and a happy baby means happy life in our world. We co sleep, we nurse to sleep, we snuggle, we nap in our crib when Claire feels up to it, we found our groove as a family and it only took us five months. 😅

Well, this baby has a tooth, and this mommys heart hurts.

This family has nothing planned for the rest of the night expect lots of snuggles and whatever else is on Claires adgenda. 

Xoxox 

Brianna