“She has become morbidly obese, but she is young so it only takes a few diet changes…”, the words of my doctor at 11 years old. I remember I wouldn’t even get into my mothers car after this was spoken in the office room. I was horrified, embarrassed, ashamed. I sat in the trunk of my mothers Ford Explorer crying, hysterically, as I pinched together my fat rolls. That was the first day I hated myself. Up until that point I was only semi aware of the weight I was, the diet I ate, and how I was portrayed. Hearing the term “morbidly obese” during an age where boys where starting to like girls, knowing everyone who saw me saw my stomach rolls, ruined a part of me I am still trying to get back.
Three years later I surrounded myself with not so nice friends. They poked fun at my weight, they made it clear I was the “DUFF” or in other terms “designated ugly fat friend”. I felt it every second of my life. I never had a boy speak to me, let alone crush on me. I was alone because truthfully I hated myself more then anyone could ever hate me. That’s where it all began, the restricting, the lies on eating, the starving to the point of no more hunger. I never let it out. Rumors swirled that I wasn’t eating, I lost all the not so nice friends I thought I had. I was loosing weight but hating myself even more then before.
I still often think about those days in my life where I would watch the saddest movies so I had a reason to cry without being questioned. I reminisce on those times who have made me who I am. I’ve become so much more aware of negative self deprecating talks and the affects on the minds around me. I hated those years, I wish I could take them away but I can’t. That’s probably a good thing though because without them I would have never grown the way I have. They’ve taught me so much on how to help my daughter in the years to come, but at the time they almost made want to end my life.
It’s funny how life keeps moving forward, and only when the years pass you see things in a new light and appreciate both good and bad.
Xoxox
Brianna
Love, Marriage & Military 